Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

House Rules

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With the warm season sometimes upon us I will be entertaining a mob of house guests. They are all very welcome, but I think that we should review the ‘House Rules’.
1. A gift is always appreciated. Depending upon the length of stay I recommend; a three bedroom, penthouse apartment on 5th Avenue overlooking Central Park or, a late model, top end, Lamborghini or, beer.
2. I pride myself on my coffee. I order gourmet beans, roast them, grind them and then brew some excellent coffee. However, the ingredients are; coffee grounds and hot water. That is it. So if you want a double cappuccino latte, half-café with a smiley face on top you are out of luck. So if it is 2 AM and you simply must have an exotic cuppa I suggest you go a few blocks south to a local all-night coffee shop. But, be warned, that is the hour when the saloons close and you will probably make some new, special friends, all of whom will be plastered and most of who will be armed.
3. I strongly recommend that when you use the facilities you close and lock the door. This is not because I have any respect for your privacy, which I don’t, so much as for your protection. As I have mentioned I share the place with two cats, or more correctly, I have two cats that share their place with me. Their words to live by are, “What is mine is mine, what is yours is mine.” They consider the toilet paper their private property, a source of exercise and amusement, and do not share. If you use five sheets you will get a growl. If you use six sheets you will get a swipe with sharp claws. If you use seven or more sheets I will have to rescue you and spray the cats down with a CO2 fire extinguisher. What we will have is a Kodak Moment of me peeling two semi-frozen, extremely irate cats off your face with your pants around your ankles. The pix will be on the Internet within seconds.
4. There is not a lot to do in Harmony County. The choices are limited to:
A. Going to the local historical site that has a couple of restored cabins from the 1700’s, all of which have better plumbing than my place. It also has a stockade that looks like it could not stop a determined four-year-old on a tricycle, and a big empty field. All of this left over from the British occupation during the Revolutionary War. The limeys were not driven out, but merely got bored and went back to Charleston where there was better booze and friendlier gals.
B. Go fishing
C. Play golf
D. Sit on my porch, swap lies and drink beer. When we get hungry call for a pizza. No fuss no muss.
With reference to Rule # 1 I am all for observing Rule # 4D to the fullest extent.© 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

May 2, 2013 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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