Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Stuffed snake du jour

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I have been hawking the tube. I prefer the ostensibly educational channels. Recently they appear to have degenerated into certain types; jerks supposedly finding ghosts, jerks doing dumb things in the woods, jerks doing dumb things in the swamp, or jerks visiting far-off lands and eating things that would get you into big trouble with the ASPCA if you fed it to a hog.
Leaving the first three groups with the suggestion that they should not operate any power tools more potent then an electric tooth brush, if they had teeth, let us move on to last group, the two-legged, bottom feeders.
There are few shows where the hosts travel the world in search of local delicacies. With very few exceptions no matter what they eat is invariably the best thing they have ever tasted. Oh, really?
Chef Anthony Bourdain has a new (?) show, on of all places, CNN. It is the same as all his other shows. He is as snarky as ever however, he goes to the most exotic places and I think that is his big draw. Just once instead of him saying how delicious everything is I’d like him to take a mouthful of the local chow, spit it across the room and yell, “That tastes like @#$%!”
As Americans when we travel we are all told to respect the local customs. However, I think the word got out and there is a universal practical joke being played on us. It is my belief the instant the indigenous figure they are dealing with an American they get the most disgusting organ from the filthiest beast, prepare it with the weirdest seasonings and serve it to us, claiming it is a real delicacy only served on special occasions to special guests.
Then they sit back and watch us turn green as we swallow, weakly smile and tell our hosts how delicious it is. This inevitably ends up with us getting a generous second helping of the foul goop. When we leave they end up rolling on the floor, laughing till their stomachs hurt, but not nearly as bad as ours.
But you do not have to travel to the ends of the earth to observe these phenomena in action. We have all observed the reactions of our visitors from the (insert insulting adjective or adverb here,) North when they are confronted with our staple, grits.
Consider this; people from the North eat ‘Cream of Wheat’, ‘Cream of Rice’ and oatmeal. All of these are nothing more than ground grains that are boiled. But when faced with what amounts to ‘cream of corn’ with their noses turned up they look as if they have just been served a under cooked portion of stuffed snake. Yet when in Charleston they are lined up around the corner waiting for our classic, Shrimp and Grits. Go figure.
So here is my advice. When visiting foreign lands in addition to learning, “please” and “thank you” in their lingo also learn, “Where is the closest McDonald’s?” © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

May 16, 2013 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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