Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Bill Gates needs your help ($$$)

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My computer and I have been working together longer than any of my marriages. OK, that is not saying a lot, but it has never let me down. Recently it has developed a few hiccups.
For one thing the cursor appears to have a mind of its own. I will be sailing right along creating one of my usual brilliant and insightful columns, (All right, more like taking out the mental garbage). Then, all of a sudden, the cursor will jump back a few words or a few lines and start making up words in what I believe is medieval Latvian
Maybe the poor little thing is scared and wants to go back to where it feels safe and warm. Who knows?
“Well” you might say, “Shouldn’t an experienced typist like yourself pick that right up and just hit the ‘End’ button to fix it.” That is easy for you to say, but I have to admit that I have never learned how to touch type. Instead, I use the ‘Columbus’ typing method. That is, discover it and land on it.
So instead of focusing on the screen I am staring at the keyboard and the cursor is left to its own devices. Hence, the medieval Latvian and some impolite questions concerning my intelligence and parentage from irate editors.
The other trick, or better stated, lack of tricks is that I’ll be pounding away and all of a sudden I will get a message, “Out of memory: line 9” or “line 25” etc. then everything just stops and the loading bar on the bottom of the screen goes to about halfway point and being tired from the effort, takes a nap.
I immediately figured, “I can fix this”. Yeah, right. So I go to the Dell® website and run what is called, “PC Checkup”. I mash the start button and am informed that the ‘Checkup’ may take 10 minutes. About 45 minutes into the 10 minutes it is doing such things as SSSE3 tests, Flash ROM tests and other totally indecipherable stuff.
The result is absolutely nada, other then hints that I should donate my computer to the Smithsonian and buy a new one.
Obviously, this is a job for my new BFF (Best Friend Forever) Bill ‘I Just Bought Jamaica’ Gates. So away we go to the Windows® website for a quick fix. Imagine my surprise when I get there to discover the cheapest I can get away with is $29.95. For this piddling amount I get to talk to a technician. He introduces himself as “Terry”. (If his name is Terry, then my name is Rajneesh.)
So I tell him that I am using Window XP. Evidently, that is a huge joke in Windows-land because he breaks into uncontrollable laughter for ten minutes. Terry then has me pushing every button on the keyboard, pull the battery out and dance around the computer counter-clockwise while singing, “Mary Had A Little Lamb”.
Once again, nada but Bill is a tiny bit richer.© 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

June 13, 2013 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

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