Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Words of wisdom to my grandson, “Listen-up knothead!”

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One of my grandsons recently turned 16. He is at that stage of his life when he transitions from goofy to stupid. If his father decides to let him live until his 17th birthday and chances are not looking that good, here are some words to live by.
“Never date a girl that has more tattoos then you.” This is particularly true if she is sporting ‘jail ink’. If so, back off fast, you are in way over your head and you don’t look good in orange.
“Never live into a town where the churches outnumber the saloons.” Let’s face it, look at your last name. It is obvious that you are going to end up doing a three-point landing, both elbows and your chin, outside the barroom door courtesy of the bouncer. Consequently, it will take you some time to wise up.
As far as churches are concerned even though they are supposed to welcome sinners the parishioners are going to be all nerveous and jerky when you walk in and the roof begins to rattle. You would be lucky if they let you in the parking lot.
“Never play poker with guys whose nicknames are the same as cities.” Fellows with names like ‘Savannah’ Sam or ‘The Atlanta Kid’ are the kinds of players who can make a deck of cards do things that are statistically impossible. If you have four aces you had better throw in the hand because they have five.
While we are at the poker table remember this, “If you sit down at the table and you look around trying to find the ‘sucker’ and you can’t, it is time to leave because you are the ‘sucker’.
” Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” One way or the other you are in for a very unpleasant night snoring on the porcelain throne.
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” I have seen you drive, or should I say point, a car. First the speed limit signs are not recommendations. That is the speed you cannot exceed. However, if you decide on a career as a get-away car driver be assured that the cops won’t pursue. They will simply wait for you to attempt to climb a tree with a Ford.
Sooner or later you are going to end up in the job market. At the rate you are going that will be later. However, when you do, remember this, “Every day when you get up, look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If you’re not there, go to work.”
“The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.” Instant intelligence does not automatically occur on your 16th birthday. I know folks in their 60’s who are still waiting for the stupid shade to be lifted. Most of them are in politics.
With that in mind; “When given the opportunity to listen, take it.”© 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

July 4, 2013 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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