Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Are you smarter then broccoli?

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OK, as some of my more perceptive readers have pointed out, I am an idiot. One can easily reach this conclusion because I watch TV, way too much TV. But hold on, you watch TV so you must be an idiot too. “Not I!” you say, let me prove it.
You watch The Weather Chanel, everybody watches The Weather Chanel. They are now in that part of the year I refer to as, ‘The Panic Season’. I fully expect an announcer to run across the set, hair on fire screaming, “We all are gonna die!”
This is hurricane season; these storms are not to be taken lightly. I have seen my share of hurricanes and two typhoons at sea so I know of what I speak. However, every time a butterfly breaks wind in West Africa the folks at TWC hands are hovering over the panic button. Get a grip folks, just report the weather, let us know where the storm is headed and how strong and we can figure out the rest.
Since we are in ‘hurricane alley’ let me cheap shot the people who name the hurricanes. ‘Chantal, Wanda,’ or ‘Billy’ does not elicit much of a response. I am not saying name them ‘Death Wind’ or ‘Water Crusher’ but if someone had renamed last years ‘Sandy’ to something slightly more threatening maybe folks would have paid more attention.
Moving on to the news room why when Syria is coming apart, Egypt has 100s of thousands marching in the streets, we are at war in Afghanistan, Washington is playing it fast and loose with our health care, and all we hear about is the Zimmerman trial?
I think I’m the ‘Kiss of Death’ when it comes to TV programs. Gone are “Eureka”, “Firefly”, “The Borgias”, “Leverage” and soon to go “Burn Notice” and Warehouse 13″. But not to worry, such stellar programs as “My Cat from Hell” and “Honey Boo Boo” are continuing right along.
In response I am writing a new series that should counter those two gems mentioned above. It is called, “My Broom from The Closet”. The liberal application of my show to both of them should handle the situation.
Then there are the companies that pick up the bills. First off cuddly, pastel colored bears are not going to get me to buy toilet paper, (Oops, sorry, ‘bathroom tissue’.) All my life the standard answer to any challenge to a statement has been, “Does a bear @#$! In the woods?” I am sure they don’t use TP.
Then there are the gross incompetents who are so incapable they can not even flip an egg, brew a cup of coffee, or clean up a spill. And please do not get me started on car and mattress commercials. Has there ever been a time when either one of those items were not on sale?
Well I have two words that will get our collective IQs up to at least broccoli level, ‘the library’. See you there.© 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

July 18, 2013 at 4:42 p07

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