Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The newest Royal Pain

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There is a new member in the Royal Family. The pup was born at 4:24 in the afternoon, right in time for high tea. Prince William, was present for the birth sort of, but he fainted. Just what the world needs is another Royal. As it is now they need eight of those double decker buses to get everybody to the family picnic.
Note to Royals: if it a rainy day and your seats are on the open-air, upper level you have managed to tick off the Queen. Just be thankful that Lizzie Deuce does not have the power her predecessors had. Back in the day if she yelled, “Off with his head!” a bunch of guys in black hoods, with big axes would come running.
As you can well imagine the term, ‘media circus’ doesn’t even come close to describing what is going on. I am having a tough time getting my head around that one.
In a country where you can’t throw a teapot without it bouncing off two royals, what’s the big deal? Plus, the Brits are known for their calm and reserve (and bad chow). Now the press expects us to believe that the entire population is running around, half naked with the Union Jack painted on their bodies, in full hysteria, anticipating the birth.
I can assure you the exact opposite is true. What is going on in Merry Olde England is that the majority of the population is thinking, “Swell; another freeloader on the public dole”.
In case you did not know, the entire Royal Family is supported by Limey tax pounds and doesn’t pay taxes. The sensible Brits are regretting that they can’t put the lot of them in the Tower of London. If they did they would have to hang the ‘Standing Room Only’ sign over the drawbridge.
The sad part of all this hoopla is that the kid won’t be able to go anywhere or do anything without a thunderous clicking of camera shutters. Remember the days of your youth?
How would you like to be photographed while you were hustling some rube in the pool hall or dealing unders, jacking your first car or firing up a doobie? (For the protection of our youthful readers we will dispense with any comments regarding your romantic encounters.)
Well this kid’s life is going to be in the lens entirely. When he falls off his very first polop-ony he will be photographed. When he makes a face when told to, “Eat your Spotted Dick, young man or no dessert for you.” God forbid he aims a kick at one of Granny’s little yipping Welsh Corgies. That will be recorded for history followed by his banishment for life to the South Pole.
There is one bright spot. This kid will probably be 18th in the line for the crown. So while the rest of the cousins are battling it out like hockey players in the front of the goal he can kick back and watch the fun.© 2013 Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

July 25, 2013 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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