Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

If the suit fits

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One of the leading law firms in Harmony County is Wagner, Walker, Wallace, Ward, Watkins and A Bunch of Other Ambulance Chasers, LLC. They are easily recognized, they make the cast on “Duck Dynasty” look well groomed, except they wear cheap suits. But appearances to the contrary, they have handled some landmark cases in between the times that their licenses were suspended.
A couple years back a fellow sued a local brewery for $10,000 for false advertising. He claimed to suffer from emotional distress in addition to mental and physical injury. Because when he drank beer, he didn’t have any luck with the ladies, as promised in the TV ads. He also didn’t like that he got sick sometimes after he drank. This is not unusual considering the belly wash that passes for beer around here. The case was thrown out of court.
Physical therapist Rocky ‘Crusher’ McGoo sued the local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer’s large breasts. McGoo felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like “cement blocks” hitting him. Crusher sought justice to the tune of $15,000, which was denied. However, he did get ten free lap dances. After an over enthusiastic performance he was battered senseless, perhaps motivated by revenge, but is expected to recover
Harmony County resident, Billy Bob Doob, entered at unisex bathroom at a rock concert and found not one, but multiple women using urinals in lieu of the toilets. Doob sued the venue for $5.4 million for his “emotional distress”, and dry cleaning. He lost but, still has some vivid pictures burned into his memory.
A 22-year-old Harmony County high school sophomore who fell asleep in his honors math class alleged he suffered substantial hearing loss when his teacher smacked her palm down on his desk to wake him up while she was teaching. His parents decided to sue Harmony High School, the State Board of Education and the town of Harmony on his behalf.
WWWWWABAC, pronounced ‘Way back’, attorneys say that the dim bulb suffered pain and “very severe injuries to his left eardrum” when his teacher abruptly slammed the palm of her hand on his desk. The student has been teased by his fellow students at school ever since the incident, because he constantly says “Huh?” Particularly when they walk up to him and silently move their lips as if they were talking. This case got tossed out too.
Currently our bumbling barristers are in the midst of a very important case. It seems that a local Islamic group has expressed deeply hurt feelings over having police ‘sniffer’ dogs at their rallies.
The Mohammadans feel that this is an insult and their lawyers insist that they be removed, despite the fact that many of their gatherings have a tendency to end with a ‘bang’.
Well if the ‘sniffer’ dogs hurt their feelings, what parts are going hurt when the cops show up with attack dogs? The prognosis is not good.
I said ‘handled’, not win. © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 1, 2013 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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