Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

No good deed goes unpunished

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I have always been a sucker for animals. I passed this trait along to my kids who when they were young the house was full of strays of just about everything that ever grew a tail. Without exception they all became welcome members of the family and a source of constant income to the local vets.
Recently I was sitting on the front porch watching the world go by when I was cautiously approached by a stray cat. He was of your standard issue All-American Alley Mink variety, nothing much to look at. The only physical characteristic that stood out was that he was missing a sizeable hunk from the side of his right ear. This feature immediately earned him the moniker of “Notch” as in ‘Vinnie “Notch” Torricelli’, an all together satisfactory name for a street tough.
Our relationship started off hesitantly, but eventually warmed to the point where Vinnie Notch would do the cat ‘rub walk’ against my legs, showed a proclivity towards purring, and even would hop on my lap, but only when my laptop computer was occupying that spot and I was trying to get some work done.
We got along nicely for about two weeks and I took to leaving him some scraps and water both bowls of which he emptied with enthusiasm.
Last June the 20th I walked out on the porch and Notch ran up to me. He did the leg rub bit, broke into a very vocal purr, and looked up at me with what I thought was affection. I bent over and stroked his back, like I have done many times before. I did it once, twice and three times. On the third rub all hell broke loose.
Notch, the traitor, bit into me an inch above my right wrist. He went so deep that I swear I could feel his canine teeth scrape along the bone. When I jerked my hand back he was still attached, consequently when I flung him off he was last seen doing ‘end-over-ends’ over the porch rail and into the azalea.
We all look upon cats as very fastidious wee beasties. They are constantly licking themselves and are careful where the walk and lie down. However, it is a little known fact that cats have the dirtiest mouths, no not stevedore language dirty, but nasty stuff in their mouths, quite possibly the dirtiest mouths in the animal kingdom. I am here in the Dorn VA Hospital to give testimony to that fact.
After visits to the local emergency room, a week or two later a Doc-in-the-Box my daughter-in-law drug me to the VA hospital. So I have been at the tender mercies of those great guys and gals at this place of healing for four days.
I have been asked the musical question, “How did it happen?” at least 50 times. The staff’s response is always the same, a look of disbelief that can be interpreted as, “This guy is an idiot.”
They very well may be right. © 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

August 8, 2013 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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