Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Mr. Greenjeans I ain’t

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Most everyone knows someone who has the proverbial ‘green thumb’. One of my kids is one of them and I can guarantee it was not inherited from my side of the family. He is the kind of fellow who can bore a hole in concrete, put a seed in it and you better jump back because that sucker is coming up in a hurry.
I, on the other hand, have two fists full of ‘black thumbs’. If I so much as look at a lawn mower or a garden shed you can bet that some unfortunate member of the plant family is headed for that great green house in the sky.
It is so bad that the county extension agent has got my picture posted in every florist and plant store with the dire warning, “Do not sell anything to this man.” As Joyce Kilmer said, “Poem’s are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.” That is very true, but I can make a desert with the minimum of effort.
I guess I will have to live with it. It has been a problem going back to the days when I bought flowers for my prom dates. I tried bringing chocolates instead but they are really hard to pin to a dress, and they make slow dancing impossible.
I can honestly say I have had zero success in growing anything. But this is not necessarily a bad thing, particularly if you use my complete lack of skills for a good purpose.
First we have to legalize marijuana. Now before you go all ballistic on me just give it some thought. Put me in charge of the production of the wacky baccy. That doobie you had last night is going to be fond memory. By Saturday, Carolina Skull Crusher will be on the endangered species list and by Monday it will be extinct.
Cocaine will also be a thing of the past. In no time at all the only lines that people will be snorting are the yard lines on a football field. (That would be an interesting halftime activity.) The down side to this is there will be a bunch of cartel members jumping the fence looking for work and the only thing they know how to do involves firearms.
Last, but certainly not least, will be opium. Now our gallant Afghan allies will be out of work and may have to go back to farming less exciting crops. But they will have more time to shoot one another and burn one another’s villages down, both time honored Afghan activities.
I may have gone a bit far, but just think of what I can do on a more local basis. Got too much ivy growing up the side of your house? The azaleas getting out of hand? Not a problem. I’ll just swing by and water them down. They will be history inside of a week. However, you have to clean up the mess. © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 15, 2013 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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