Harmony County

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I got a new mortgage. I did not think it would be that big a deal until the legal beagle showed up lugging this month’s output of the Georgia – Pacific paper mill, a pound and a half of ballpoint pens and a hat full of those automatic stamp printing thing-a-ma-bobs.
“Oh boy,” I remember thinking, “Maybe I should order a pizza ‘cause it looks like we’re going to be here a while.” We then sat down at the dining room table; said the Lawyer’s Prayer, “Let the wheels of justice spin. Drag the guilty b*****d in,” and I proceeded to get a nearly terminal case of writer’s cramp.
As you may know, I a bit of a flea-milker when it comes to getting my numbers straight. So you can take it as Gospel that we spent the next hour and 24 minutes signing papers with no let up. I signed my name or initials 69 times on a stack of papers that I accurately measured to be a half-inch thick.
Here’s the irony of the situation. After it was over and I was sitting there in a pool of sweat with ink stained fingers, I asked of all the papers I signed which were of legal significance? The reply was, “These nine,” three of which required a signature.
As I mentioned earlier I got serious case of writer’s cramp, such as my right arm felt like I pitched around fifty innings using cannon balls. It was sort of odd since my usual doses of WC occur between my ears.
So what exactly was all this intense scribbling about? It is about a 90-year-old cottage of approximately 1,500 square feet sitting on less than a tenth of an acre. Not exactly a palatial estate.
Putting it in perspective, at the end of World War II, what was left of the entire Japanese Empire was surrendered on one piece of paper, three copies. I am sure you have seen the photos of this historic event that took place on the deck of the battleship Missouri anchored in Tokyo Bay.
What you did not see was that General MacArthur, who was officiating, heaved the Emperor of Japan’s representatives over the side when it was finished. ‘Dugout Doug’ was never a forgive and forget kind of a guy.
So what was the result of the paper cut marathon? Bernie the attorney got an all expenses paid trip to Camden, plus a paycheck and a bunch of my autographs. I got a new mortgage, almost. I still have to get the old mortgage company off my bank account and put the new one on. I tried, but it seems I need some different paperwork that, I hope, is forthcoming. Both of us now have a stack of papers that we are going to shove in some file drawer never to be seen again.
Like that commercial I am left wondering why we can’t reduce paperwork. Because in a computer they are not legal documents. © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 23, 2013 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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