Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Easy peasy election

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Every now and again someone makes a statement and you immediately think, “Uh oh, this is not going to end well.”
One of those phrases that are guaranteed to have cooler and more sober heads in the crowd reaching for their cell phones in order to call 911 is, “You guys want to see something spectacular? Hold my beer.”
I have heard this statement made from guys at the top of water slides, the top of ski jumps (this one from three guys who were going to take their canoe down the jump.) and from people who were determined to go over a water-ski ramp.
No one has ever accused me of being a law abiding citizen, but two laws that can never be broken concern physics and gravity. You can fill in the blanks, but it was every thing I could do from not laughing out loud when I was signing their casts.
Another of these phrases is, “Hummmmmmmmm” It does not sound like much. However, if it is made by such folks as IRS examiners, police officers at traffic stops, bankers when you hand in your loan application, or worst of all a doctor, the cheese gets instantly binding.
Just put yourself in any of those positions and I do not care what kind of drugs you are on, your blood pressure is heading for the rarefied air of world record levels.
While those individuals can set your to beating like a tympani there is a certain group who can stop it cold. These wretched villains are politely referred to as, “teenagers”. I prefer to call them, “You miserable little @#$%’s.” I can use that kind of language, I raised four of them.
Here are a few of their quotes. “Dad can I borrow the car keys?” As you know putting a teenager on the car insurance sends up the monthly bill to roughly the equivalent to the GNP of Ecuador.
So you say to your kid as he is going out the door, “Be home by 10.” He just grunts. If he comes wandering in around midnight it is your fault. You did not specify what century.
My personal favorite is the 3 AM call that starts with, “Dad did I wake you?” “No knot head, I was out shingling the roof.” This is the point where you know that you are going to be asked for bail money. My reply is, “You got yourself in, get yourself out.” Click.
Recently I have seen a statement in the local rag. It was from our beloved Govenortrix, Nikki Haley. She was quoted saying that she believes that her up and coming election will be ‘relatively easy’.
You can bet your bottom ballot at least one half of the Republican voters and all of the Democratic voters upon reading this folded their papers down, looked at the ceiling and there was a collective, “Oh really”.
OK Gov lady, you just kissed any possibility of that walk through election goodbye. © 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

August 29, 2013 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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