Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“Here she comes, Miss Harmony County”

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Not to be out done by any other group we here at Harmony County have our own Beauty Pageant. But one must remember that, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and it behooves one to bring along your rose colored glasses if you ever attend because if you expect to see Sofia Vergara look alikes you are in the wrong place.
There is the size of the contestants. Look, for a quite a few years I could be generously described as a ‘tubby’. But in a beauty contest svelte is the key. The sveltest in the group easily topped 200 pounds. This is very apparent in the swimsuit portion of the program. Frankly, it is very scary.
As usual we do things slightly differently. Take, for example, the categories. Politely called ‘body art’ tattoos are judged by numbers, guy’s names crossed out, (Somebody named Bubba is definitely a player) percentage of body covered and jail ink.
The ability to expectorate is another area for the judges to consider. Points are given for both distance and accuracy. This year’s winner in this division managed to accurately project her wad of ‘baccy’ into a spittoon placed at a distance of 53 feet. Top that guys.
The Self Defense portion always draws a big crowd. The contestants have combined the various martial arts, i.e. karate/kung fu/taekwondo/barroom/mugging into something to behold. The losers in this area are most decidedly eliminated. Plaster casts and missing teeth take away from the other events.
Since we are country folk we have rural skills featured. They vary year from year and one of this year’s event was horseshoeing. I can tell you that these gals know there way around a smithy shop. The anvils rang and the hammers flew. There was only one detracting incident.
Some nag, (horse not contestant) got a little nervous and jerky and started to get frisky. For his mischief he got such a kick from the shoe person. I don’t know if he was a gelding before the occasion, but I can guarantee he is one now. He was considerably calmer when he finally got up.
Individual skills were varied. There was marksman ship, axe throwing, semi truck obstacle driving and something that had to do with the preparation of an untaxed adult beverage.
The winner was a sweet coquette who could belch on command. When she got the ‘wind up’ as it were, she had the windows rattling in the place. She was only docked two points. One was taken for her obviously heavy use of garlic. The other when, how shall I put this delicately, she emulated the actions of a recoilless rifle.
As you might imagine recruiting judges for this event presents some problems. The contestants can be a bit emotional and if they feel that there was a bad call things can quickly get rough. Hence, all judges sit in a booth with one way glass.
But please come to the 2014 Pageant. Just don’t giggle.© 2013, Jim McGowan
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Written by harmonycounty

September 26, 2013 at 4:42 p09

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