Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Fairly ridiculous

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It is ‘Fair’ season and here in Harmony County we are doing our annual thing, much to the despair of the Sheriff’s Department and all of the other public service organizations. That means the fair will be conducted in typical Harmony County style.
The food is pretty much the standard fair fare, with a twist. Take for example the traditional corn dog. Ours come in three sizes; regular, large and “You can’t be serious!” The last one is served on a broom stick.
The guy who runs the cotton candy stand is new to the job and took the name literally. The tip off should have been the bale he had in the back of the stand, but I missed it. After the first bite I had a serious case of the ‘mumbles’ for about two hours. You’ve never had it? Just try eating your t-shirt.
The elephant ears present their own set of problems. Boy, were the huge and nearly impossible to chew. I imagine that poor Dumbo is wandering around out there, somewhere saying the pachyderm equivalent of, “Huh, Did you say something”?
Unfortunately, many people go from the food court directly to the rides. There are the usual kiddies’ rides that are pretty tame. However, folks should exercise some common sense and not get on the one called, ‘The Whirl and Hurl’. A rule of fair thumb is, ‘Always avoid rides that have a guy standing by with a functioning fire hose.’
The most popular part of the fair for the younger Harmonics has always been the ‘petting zoo’. It is filled with the usual critters that ‘oink’, ‘baa’, ‘whinny’, ‘bleat’ or ‘cluck’. You know the standard beasties that are found on the farm or sometimes in the home, a messy home.
For the more daring or reckless petters there is also a section that has more aggressive of Mother Nature’s gifts. These are the ones that ‘growl’, ‘hiss’, rattle or ‘howl’. I avoid this section.
The exhibit section is an accurate representation of the Harmony County industries. There is the traditional pot still section. Rows of highly polished copper kettles with the graceful coils leading down large ceramic containers filled with 100 proof, stump lifting, home brew. No smoking please.
Recent additions to the industrial area are the meth labs. These are usually manned by a younger group who have a tendency talk very fast and tend to have serious lapses of memory. The labs are kept far apart from the rest of the exhibits and are widely spaced. They have a tendency to go ‘BOOM’.
Over in the horticultural section one will not be surprised to learn that Granny Franny Feinstermacher won her fifth Blue Ribbon for her beautiful local favorite, ‘Carolina Skull Crusher’. Seeds are available for a reasonable price.
This is the point where the Sheriff steps in and closes the entire Fair down. But, not to worry, the next few weeks the jail is filled with calliope music and some really happy people.© 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

October 17, 2013 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor

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