Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Unknown facts about me

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I do not know if it is good or bad, but I have become addicted to Facebook. Lately, it is popular to post “X number of things you don’t know about me” stuff on the site. Mostly it is either an excuse to go full dramatic or make a confession. In order to lighten things up here are a few things you don’t know about me.
1. I was born on Alpha Centuri Six. This goes a long way to explain my preference to wear full body tights and capes. This generally draws stares in every place but Wally World.
2. I have taught my cats how to speak; English, Spanish, and French. Fast Eddie is here and I’ll ask him a question, “Eduardo, como esta usted?” He replied, “Meow.” OK, so he needs to work on his accent.
3. I can fly. Admittedly not very far, not very high and I usually end up in the making a three-point landing, both elbows and my chin, as the bouncer heaves me out the saloon door. But, for a second or two the cape really looks great.
4. I am a shift-changer. My favorite other body is the duck-billed platypus. I prefer them over the scary ones like grizzly bears or wolves. Besides, cleaning up is much easier because the ‘billy puss’ does not shed and is easily litter box trained.
5. I eat lobster live, shells and all. It is a dinner and show combined into one. Me with my legs flailing out of the lobster tank. The meal tastes swell, but a tad on the crunchy side.
6. I taught Jackie Chan everything he knows. After his final exam I was in the hospital for only three weeks. However, to this day if I have to walk by a Chinese restaurant I cross the street. You can’t be too careful.
7. I can pass gas louder than anyone on the planet, either end and simultaneously. It is a family trait. You definitely do not want to come to one of our family reunions.
8. All my teeth are pointy. I made a mistake of going to a discount dentist once. He was only open at night. I just wanted a check up, but he knocked me out and when I woke up there were my new toothies. I was weak for about three days and I had two puncture wounds on my neck.
9. I find watching Auburn football games very relaxing. In fact I have been known to fall asleep during the last few seconds of the games out of boredom. This despite the allegations made by my family members that I really pass out from holding my breath too long.
10. Unlike the Irish stereotype I do not drink, nor do I break into song at the drop of a hat, nor dance like I am standing at ‘Attention” from the waist up, nor go through a pint of ‘uisce breatha’ a day.
11. I lie a lot.© 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

November 21, 2013 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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