Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

You call this Christmas?

with 2 comments

The Christmas Season here in Harmony County is in full swing. As you can well imagine we put a special spin on it with our unique customs.
It started, as it usually does, at Granny Fanny Feinstermacher’s place for Thanksgiving dinner. Since Granny Fanny is getting on in years she occasionally gets confused. When I walked in I asked, “How is the turkey coming?” She gave me a quizzical look and replied, “What turkey?” I said, “Granny, it is traditional to have turkey on Thanksgiving.”
She stated, “No its not. We’re having eagle.” I was taken aback. I then inquired, “Well, OK. What did you stuff it with?” She looked surprise again and said, “Stuff it, stuff it! I didn’t have to. It wasn’t hollow.” I went vegan for that meal.
The next day was the infamous ‘Black Friday’. If you think things can get rough in other places you should see what goes on around here. This is the only place I have ever seen a Wally World surrounded by sandbags and concertina wire. Trust me, Al Qaeda would have a better chance of storming a USMC outpost. Then again the ‘rug munchers’ aren’t as well armed as Harmony Countydiots.
On Saturday it was a picture perfect day for the big game. Just like ‘Jack Armstrong All-American’ said, “The day of the big game dawned clear and bright.” No not the Clemson vs. The Gamecocks. That’s nothing more then a bunch of sissy-boys running around playing tag. I’m talking about real football. Auburn vs. Evilbama in the Iron Bowl. Well, by now every sentient being in the universe knows the results.
I want to thank everyone for their concern for me after the Auburn victory. I was told by my friends in the ICU that I was continuously mumbling “Hey Alabama, Hey Alabama, Hey Alabama. Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, we just beat the hell out of you!” When they finally released me the MD recommended I should follow golf. What a kidder.
The Sports department here at the ‘Weekly Blister’ hasn’t sobered up since the game. But then again they rarely are sober, so it was not much of a surprise. They are still celebrating the East Mudhole Teachers Tech win over the Curly Top School for Hairdressers in 2006.
But there were a few less than wonderful things that occurred. The Sheriff’s Department has put out an All Points Bulletin for the three individuals who mugged the Wally World Santa, stole his bag and put his two elves, Dorky and Geeky in the hospital.
They are described as; females, between the ages of nine and eleven, approximately 3’6” to 4’, with curly blond hair, blue eyes and dimples. The Sheriff warns that they are notorious cutesy pies, extremely dangerous, and on a massive sugar high.
Cyber Monday flopped. Try as they would the locals could not figure out a way to practice their favorite way of obtaining goods and products, shop lifting.
So much for the ‘Spirit of Christmas’.© 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 5, 2013 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Good column Jim,reminiscent, here in the Midwest,……taking bullying to a whole new level in all sectors of our conscience. Again, carry on !!

    Eldon Kilberger

    December 5, 2013 at 4:42 p12


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