Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The Christmas leaflet drop

with 4 comments

I’m moving along on my Christmas shopping. So far with all my relatives I have had to stick up four liquor stores. Since there are only three in town one has had to misfortune to get my repeat business.
Some of the local merchants are most pleased with my business. Since I have nine grandkids the ‘Toys R Pricey’ store is most thankful for my annual visit. They send a limo over, have a reception committee, complete with band, waiting. I have an escort through the store with people pushing the buggies for me. By the time we get to the check out the managers are choking back the tears of gratitude. Then follows a ticker tape parade out to the limo and a large rental truck now needed for the trip home to a waiting ‘Wrap Band’.
The ‘Wrappers’ go through enough paper to level nine acres of forest and enough tape to go from here to the moon and back, twice. As far as the bows goes suffice to say we use enough to keep every cheerleader, guys included, in the SEC happy.
For the older members of the family I am proud to say I invented regifting. I got on box of something that has spent more time on a UPS truck than most delivery drivers. I hope whatever is in it is not perishable or somebody may be in for a very aromatic and unpleasant surprise.
But there is a backfire effect to the older folks gifts. I have enough of adult diapers to last for many years.
I have a few friends and relations are not difficult to shop for. It all has to do with the package regulations that are strictly enforced by the Department of Corrections. The inspectors there are a pretty picky bunch. I can tell you from harsh experience hand tools, personality altering substances, and magazines that contain ‘adult’ material are strictly forbidden. And me as the sender can only claim the ‘stupid’ defense only so often. So for this group of fallen angels the standard dozen of brownies works every time.
You would think that it would be easy to get gifts for the Kilkenny Brothers, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake. I mean, for crying out loud, they are cats. They don’t even have a calendar. But when “Tis the season to be jolly” this two are first in line with their paws out and they are hard to please.
The fur balls have come to expect top of the line stuff. They want crab cakes, scented litter and those annoying toys that have bells in them. If Santa does not deliver I get a surprise gift in my slippers.
That about covers it, I have to pick up a few safety gifts. Those are the gifts for unexpected company that drops in with a gift for you, but you have nothing for them.
Does anyone know where I can pick up a half dozen whoopee cushions in assorted colors, cheap? © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 12, 2013 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

4 Responses

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  1. Funny Jim. By the way, wanted to let you know that Bonnie Kline died suddenly last Sunday, December 8. Have no idea what happened. She was only 68. Karen

    Karen Green Mcgowan

    December 12, 2013 at 4:42 p12


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