Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

I firmly resolve that…

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Here it is, a little over a week after New Year’s Day. Just how many of your well intentioned resolutions are laying on the floor in shattered pieces?
I am not talking about the old standards. You know the ones I mean, we all make them. Like; smokers will quit smoking, couch potatoes will exercise, fatties will go on a diet, and drinkers will knock off the booze. I am guilty of all those sins. (Hummm, on second thought lets not get radical, there are too many brewers and distillers in Ireland that are dependent on me.)
I am talking about the more exotic ones. Say you just can’t bear the idea that you will not get a full length Godzilla tattoo. But you are filled with an overwhelming desire to go to Tokyo and stomp it flat instead. Calm down and have some sushi. Raw fish has a great calming effect.
Here is a favorite among us newspaper hacks. “I am going to take time off and write the great American novel.” OK there Lunchtime O’Booze, ace reporter, fat chance. Just who is going to support your artistic endeavors? Do you think your spouse is going to cover all the expenses while you stare at a blank screen? When the publisher reads in the cover letter that you are a journalist that manuscript is going to hit the circular file so fast it will make your head spin. Save your fiction writing skills for the expense account. It pays better.
Since we are in the world of literature here is a common one. “I am going to read the complete works of Shakespeare.” Sure you are. You better do it in a walk-in freezer, naked. Even Willie S. had some stinkers. If you read his “Sonnets” and can get up to Number 30 without loosing consciousness take heart, you only have 124 to go. You would be much better off reading the complete works of ‘Captain Underpants’.
“I am not going to call in sick just because I don’t feel like going to work.” Oh really, O’Rielly? Does that include March 18th, the day after St. Patrick’s Day? You might better put in for a vacation day now. If you can’t get off you may want to hire an ambulance to get you in on time. We all know the debilitating effects of ‘Irish Flu’. A lot of that going around then.
“I am going to be more kind to my relatives, including my in-laws.” This coming from a guy whose last family gathering had to be broken up by the SWAT team. The smell of tear gas and everyone pinned up against the wall soaking wet from a fire hose does not a pleasant Thanksgiving make. A sure tip off is when you go to any of these affairs and there is a metal detector at the front door.
“Next election day I am going to vote the straight Democratic ticket” Have you recently taken a sharp blow to the head? © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

January 9, 2014 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor

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