Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“Roll out the barrel”

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Some interesting issues are coming up for the Harmony County Commission. The annual gathering of the county’s ‘powers that wanna be’ has always left us staff weenies at the “Weekly Blister” with an overwhelming sense of sublime confusion.
This year’s attempt at setting back democracy has quite an agenda. As usual it starts out with the ever lovely and popular subject, taxes. Here in Harmony County nobody, but nobody files tax returns. The reason for this is because if they did it would draw the immediate attention of the DEA, the FBI and just about every other ‘alphabet’ organization at the federal, state and local levels. Business taxes are not much better. Just how much is the gross value of a whiskey still or a meth cooker? And what is the annual depreciation?
The roads and bridges pork barrel is always emptied at the beginning of the session. (Just when did road and bridges become the pretentious and PC ‘Infrastructure’? When I leave town and head north I take the Kershaw Road, not the Kershaw Infrastructure.)
Once when I was a naughty journalist my editor made me go to all the Infrastructure Meetings. It was an eye opener, to say the least.
It seems that someone had determined that another bridge across Gator Swamp Creek. That would make it six in total. Three guys bid on the job. Paddy O’Kelly bid $500,000; Sam Harrison bid a cool million; and Bill Jennings bid $1,500,000. When the bids opened and read the Road Commissioner nearly went through the overhead when he read the Jennings’ bid. Jennings calmly stated, “Come on Commish, $500,000 for you, $500,000 for me and we give the job to O’Kelly.” That is how things work around here
The Department of Education came in with a request for some much needed cash. It seems that the Peckerwood Elementary School, needed to repave their fourth grade parking lot. They also had a request to buy a book for the library. That got turned down on the grounds that there were already eight books in the library and three of them had yet to be colored.
There was one issue that pretty much affected everyone in the County. This was the one concerning the carrying of weapons in saloons. After much debate it was determined that all bars will post a sign on the outside of the entrances. The sign will read, “Check your guns and knives here. Those not having a gun or a knife can rent one from the limited selection available at the bar.”
Everybody needs to take a break now and again and have a good laugh. That is why ethics is on the list. Election contributions are always subject to debate. The amount is the issue. Some want to determine the maximum by a set figure others by a weight, say equivalent to a 1975 Buick. Who is to investigate when the lawmaker gets caught doing a no-no. Does “foxes and henhouse” mean anything to you? © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

January 16, 2014 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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