Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Not in the SOP

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Isn’t odd how your pets react when they think they have you all figured out, especially when it comes to a break in the normal daily routine.
Today I had to go to a mega meeting. I got up and went through my normal routine. Yawn, stretch, scratch and stumble into the bathroom where I take care of business. The Kilkenny Brothers pretty much do the same except for the ‘stumble’ part. They follow me into the ‘head’ where they hop up on the sink counter and gaze into the mirror as if they are checking if they need a shave or to comb their hair.
As I take a shower The Boys assume the guard position at the door where they wonder why a creature, even one as strange as a human, would ever voluntarily soak themselves and make awful noises. Once out of the shower and drying off I shiver into the bedroom to dress while The Boys loudly remind me that they have not eaten in three months.
So far, so what? It was the dressing part that got them confused. Nobody would ever accuse me of being a fashion plate. A perfect description of my idea of haute couture was best described by the character “Joy Boy” played by Peter Falk in the movie, “Pocket Full of Miracles”. He said, “A rag picker wouldn’t stick his hook in her.”
However, today was different. Instead of picking up my clothes from the floor where I carefully hung them the night before I opened closet and took out clothes freshly back from the dry cleaner. It must have been the ripping of the plastic bags that got to them. They immediately went silent and stared while I dressed. The routine had been broken, something was seriously wrong.
We went into the kitchen in an uncharacteristic silence. They didn’t race ahead; they just walked next to me. I filled up their food and water bowls. Instead of shoving their faces into their chow ears deep, today the kibbles just got a cursory sniff. I got my ‘soldier’s breakfast’ and went into the living room to check out the weather and watch LOGO TV for beauty tips. The Boys cautiously followed.
Normally we play a quick round of ‘cat pile on the human’, but not today. The game was called because I was wearing black slacks which are a magnet for yellow cat hair. I had to “shush” The Lads away. Now they were really confused.
Meeting time approached and it was out the door for me. Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake were stunned. The meeting was intense and I came back with my head spinning. When I opened the door I fully expected the cats would run up with meows of relief at my return.
Instead, the two of them were stretched out on the couch and just turned their heads to look at me through hooded eyes. That’s when I found the butts of two catnip doobies. © 2014, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

January 23, 2014 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor

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