Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Is it Bigfoots or Bigfeets?

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Just about everybody has a Bigfoot legend in their local area. We here in Harmony County are no different. Depending upon your BS quota, levels of belief vary from person to person.
Roy ‘The Rube’ Reilly lives way out in the woods. (There are some questions about why, but that is a subject for another time.) When he was asked if he has ever seen Bigfoot he replied. “I have been out in the ‘toolies’ for nigh more then 30 years. I ain’t never seen a stinking Bigfoot, or a Littlefoot, or any hair covered two-legger.”
However, if you have the misfortune to stand down-wind from him the idea immediately comes to mind that a Bigfoot would avoid him because ‘The Rube’ has to smell worse. Suffice to say that personal hygiene is not his strongest quality.
That is just one man’s opinion and one that is definitely in the minority. Remember, this is Harmony County and weird is commonplace.
A walk through town will have most strangers thinking that something is decidedly out of place. In the coffee shops, saloons and walking on the streets one will notice quite a few hairy, 7+ footers. They try to disguise themselves. The guys favor Indiana Jones style hats and the gals are into large hoop earrings and pointy shoes with stiletto heels. There is some serious wobbling going on amongst the ladies. But, in both cases it just does not quite work.
Some time back the Bigfoots (Bigfeets?) must have had a meeting when they were still living out in the tall and uncut. Evidently, Global Warming must have got to them and they decided to move into town, en masse.
No one will ever claim that Harmony County is the Beverly Hills of the East. Indoor plumbing and electricity are just recent additions to most houses. Despite the shabby condition of the local abodes it was an “Oops, there goes the neighborhood,” moment. This, plus the sudden disappearance of the neighborhood cats had the Harmony Countdiots on edge.
The large, hairys tried to blend in. They tried to get legitimate jobs; in itself is an oddity in HC. They did not do so well as phone solicitors, a language barrier thing, Bigfoot grunts versus Redneck. They had considerable success as bill collectors. You would be running for your checkbook if a Bigfoot was pounding at your door with an overdue notice in his hand/paw.
The Bigfoot kids, (Bigtootsies?) had an easier time of it. As you can well imagine the athletic coaches were grinning like idiots when the juniors walked through the gym door and having to duck their heads. The basketball coach had to get the players to quit hanging from the rim scratching and hooting, but rebounding averages went way up. The football line play was hugely improved.
There were a few downsides. Bigfoot physiology is very similar to a human. The biggest challenge to the medics was the “turn your head and cough” part of the exam.© 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 6, 2014 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor

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