Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

If I see a field of white, it better be cotton

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We here in Harmony County do not do cold and shivering. We do hot and sweating. So when the recent dose of “Global Warming” hit here in the form of large, white, cold flakes that fell from the sky, commonly described by the confused locals by pointing to the sky and saying, “Uh uh” . Things got more weird then usual.
I suppose that part of the reason for the local craziness was due to a national station that will be nameless; however they broadcast nothing but weather forecasts 24/7. Even the most laid back of viewers might smash the panic button when the weather nerd on the screen is running back and forth with his hair on fire screaming “We’re all gonna die!”
If you recall, about two or three weeks back we got our first dusting. Our neighbors to the west in Atlanta took the bad weather rule book and ignored it completely. Even our Governor’s brother got stuck for 27 hours on the I-285 bypass. But when Governor Haley bemoaned his predicament she did not get the desired response. The kindest comment heard around here was, ‘Tough buns.”
However, the Hotlantans certainly learned from their mistakes. When the next winter storm hit town last week things were entirely different. Schools closed early, the streets were deserted and the usual ‘bread and milk’ stampede was over and done before the first hint of snow. The Harmony Countidiots were also prepared, but they put their special spin on it.
We have all seen the pictures of the yards and yards of empty shelves and an off camera voice yammering on about how there was a huge rush to buy bread. Honestly, if you have seen one empty shelf you have seen them all. We too had empty shelves our, as you might expect, were in the liquor stores. Even Granny Fannie Feinstermacher was cleaned out of her stock of Carolina Skull Crusher.
Unlike other areas our schools were open with hopes on the part of most parents that they would be stuck there. The idea of being stuck in the house with the little terrorists for days has no appeal at all. You have to remember that family bonding in HC is not so much warm fuzzies as it has to do with bail bonding.
Plowing the streets and keeping the roads clear is not that big a deal in Harmony County. Around here we pride ourselves on having the highest ratio of four wheeled drive vehicles to people. Even Granny Fannie is an active participant in the local monster truck rallies. One vehicle that is a bit disconcerting is that the local undertaker has an all terrain hearse with a rifle rack. This is one occasion where the principal passenger better be buckled up.
But Spring is just around the corner and I’m glad that warm weather is on the way. However, if I hear anybody complain about the hot weather I’m going to slap their face off.© 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 20, 2014 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor

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