Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

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Oh how the mighty have fallen. Unfortunately this is not the first time for me. I remember when my family found out I was becoming a journalist. Putting it mildly, they were aghast.
They said, “What! How could you? Why not do something with some respectability? Why not become a drug dealer to fifth graders or a piano player in a house of ill repute? Be like your Uncle Seamus. He can teach you accounting if he makes parole.”
I suppose those are all good suggestions. However, since I raised a bunch of fifth graders (I am amazed I did not strangle one or two of them), can not carry a tune in a basket, nor am good with numbers, so those time honored family traditions were definitely not in my future.
Well, I went on to become a newspaper man and, following Mark Twain’s advice, “Make sure you get your facts straight, then go ahead and lie.” I have enjoyed a spotted career unencumbered by anything approaching the truth. (Maybe I should apply to one of the major networks.)
My days of attending government council meetings and getting bounced down the town hall steps and doing interviews with law enforcement officers and getting bounced down police headquarters steps are pretty much over. But that does not mean I can’t reach new career lows.
I have become involved in local politics. I have become a campaign manager and now no one in my family will return my calls and the cats are using my shoes as size 10 litter boxes.
The job has its ups and downs. The pay is so-so. I figured I would make the serious cash on the back end. There is nothing like a bit of graft and corruption to make semi-retirement a little easier.
One of my tasks is to set up meetings with various organizations and church groups throughout the community. I figured my ‘bouncing’ experience would come in handy for these appointments. Surprisingly, I have been cordially greeted and have had great receptions.
Another task is speech writing. There is a job right up my alley. Here we go, “Now boarding for Flight of Fantasy #1 non-stop to Elected City.” With my talent for playing fast and loose with the truth I am going to turn my man into a water walker. But noooo, the candidate who I am working for is, wait for it, honest. That’s right, honest. Not only that, he insists that I be honest too, go figure.
Another part of my job is to get the skinny on the opposition. I got out my slander shovel and dug right in. After moving a Panama Canal worth of history I came up with a grand total of zip. (For those suffering from insomnia read a couple of week’s worth of council meeting notes, Nighty-night.) All that was in the minutes was about as exciting as a “Brady Bunch” marathon. It was just elected officials doing their jobs.
Honest officials, wow.© 2014, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

March 20, 2014 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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