Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Please quit you whining

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By now you have probably determined that the citizens of Harmony County are a pretty swave and deboner bunch. So our annual Wine Festival is a very sophisticated affair. It is put on by the Harmony County Winers. These folks are easily identified in the summer when they wear their flip-flops. They are the ones with the purple feet. The Winers are definitely ‘old school’ when it comes to their craft.
The festival starts in the same manner each year. Everyone gathers in the town square where they have built a temporary platform where they place a barrel of this year’s efforts. The oldest citizen has the tasting honors and that individual traditionally states it is the greatest stuff ever made.
Usually this is done by Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher. Not only is she the oldest person in the county, but long ago her taste buds were burnt out by her addiction to ‘Old Stump Burner Hot Sauce’ which she puts on everything include her corn flakes.
However, one year Grannie Fannie was not available due to her being a guest of the county for some minor misunderstanding involving two midgets, a goat and some glitter. On that year her substitute went through the drill and when he took the first sip he immediately sprayed it out and screamed, “This stuff tastes like…”
As one might expect the locals were outraged. They grabbed him and he found himself taking an involuntary swim in the river. Despite the admonitions of the Boy Scouts, sometimes being truthful may not be the best course of action.
This year’s festival was considered a complete success. Only 20% of the attendees went temporarily blind and there were no drunk driving offenses since people could not remember where they parked their pick ups. There was one dark spot on the celebration. Sadly, the days of Grannie Fannie being a pole dancer are long over. Though the spirit was willing the flesh was weak, or more accurately, sagging.
If you remember back to the days of your misspent youth I am sure you will recall having the guy with the false ID buy some alleged wines, the names of which I can not repeat here without getting sued, and you and your Buds sneaking behind the woodshed and learned first hand the evils of alcohol. Well, the Harmony County Wine Du Jour is a couple of places below that stuff. You really can not expect too much from a concoction whose motto is, “Aged on the truck.”
Actually, when compared to such stuff as kerosene or paint thinner the stuff is not all that bad, plus it can be used as a substitute for those other less volatile liquids. On the up side NASA has made some inquires for the stuff as a possible use as rocket fuel.
So this year’s vintage is off to an unexpecting public. Let us hope they all have stomachs like leather bags. The only group that looks forward to its arrival is pest exterminators. © 2014 Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 10, 2014 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

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