Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

I live in a cat house

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About three years ago when I moved into my cottage my beautiful, talented, intelligent granddaughter (I am a grandfather. I am required to say those kinds of things even if my grandkids are mini-Godzillas.) presented me with two adopted kittens. She thought I needed some company in the new place.
A word about adoption. We ordinary saps think we are doing a good thing by adopting animals, That part is true; however there is a slight fee. In this case it was $70 a piece for these rare, genuine, American Alley Minks. This does not include the cost of taking them to the vet to get their booster shots and their bags unpacked.
So, into my life came the Kilkenny Brothers, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake. I gave them Irish names since they were born in mid-March so now their birthday is the easy to remember, and sometimes embarrassingly hard to forget, Saint Patrick’s Day.
So these little fur balls moved right in. After a week or so when I had a chance to observe them, they got their names befitting their personalities. Then their training began.
The popular notion that it is difficult to train a cat because they have an independent streak is not true. They are difficult to train because (cat lovers are going to hate me for this) they are dumb. Cats are unencumbered by the slightest trace of intelligence. If you do not believe me, take a cat into a dark room. Shine a flashlight in their right ear and a beam of light will come out of their left.
So their training began. The vet told me that they would live longer, more healthy lives if I kept them indoors. So as kittens they would scratch at the front door to go out. I permitted them to do so, but only when it was raining, the harder the better. It only took them six or seven times to learn that outside meant a good soaking. Now they will not go near the front door, but they will try to bolt out the backdoor.
It also took a little time for them to learn the difference between the litter box and my shoes. This period was filled with quite a bit of loud, early morning blasphemy on my part.
Cats are creatures of habit. Anything out of the normal routine is very upsetting for them. This trait was exhibited just last week.
Normally, I work from home. There are occasional absences’ for errands, but they only last for a hour or so. Last week I was gone for over six hours. I knew I would be so I left them with full water and chow bowls and a clean litter box. I also left the TV on the Animal Channel and the remote where they could get at it.
When I got back I was confronted with two cats sitting side by side in the classic Egyptian Cat pose, tails angrily swishing back and forth, ears slightly back, angrily, staring at me through squinted eyes, giving me the ‘stink eye’.
I immediately checked my shoes. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2014 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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