Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Harmony County Tech

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Recently we have seen a flood of ads concerning getting a college degree through correspondence. The educated set of Harmony County, many of whom have graduated fifth grade, decided to get in on the act and open their own correspondence school. Of course it will have that Harmony County flair.
The School of Chemistry has some very interesting courses. It is taught by Frankie ‘Boomer’ Jenkins. Of particular interest is ‘Meth 101’ This course covers such things as where to buy the chemicals needed, setting up a lab and how not to blow yourself and your dubwide from here to kingdom come.
Agronomy. This course is taught by our resident expert, Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher. It covers those particular care techniques such as irrigation, feeding, side dressing with nitrogen, weeding, etc, of our world famous Carolina Skull Crusher. Also covered are the proper use of a bong and how to roll your own. This bud’s for you.
Restaurant Management. This course is presented by Bubba Wellborn, owner of Bubba’s Flippin’, Sippin’ and Dippin’ Red Neck Saloon’. This course covers such things as; proper bouncing techniques or going for the distance, knuckle breaking for sticky fingered bartenders, proper kickback percentage for ladies of the night, the pool cue in the offense, and how to water down whiskey.
Journalism. I have been honored by the faculty to have been invited to pitch this course. We will follow the guidelines as set down by Mark Twain, “Make sure you get your facts straight, then go ahead and lie.” We will look into how to sleep through a government committee meeting with your eyes open, identifying when a public official is lying (Hint, his lips are moving.), how to disguise your bar tab on your expense account, it takes a very dull mind to spell a word just one way and creative grammar.
IT. Hacking as an Art Form, this course will be presented at seven PM only. The principle instructor, Susie Fhartsnitch, age 11 has to be in bed by nine o’clock on school nights. If you want to go under the radar, disappear from the IRS roles, find out what your significant other is really writing about you on Facebook, make millions overnight and retire immediately to a non-extradition country, or get free access to all “Care Bear” movies (Remember she is 11.) this course is for you.
Automotive Engineering is another popular course. Joey ’60 Seconds’ Prybar is the principle instructor in this course. Subjects include; grand theft auto as a family pastime, the proper use of Ninja Rocks, Slim Jims, Auto Jigglers and Slide Hammers, sell it whole or strip it down, common locations of car alarms and how to disable them and sell it local because crossing state lines makes it a federal offense.
All are invited to apply. High school diplomas are not required. However, when enrolling please do not use the name ‘Smith’. We already have 687 of them. That is one big family. They must be Irish.© 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

May 29, 2014 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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