Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Where the boys are

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There are some ‘bennies’ to living in an all-male household. The Kilkenny Brothers, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake and I have settled into comfortable bachelor existence. It is not that we do not have any rules, it is just that we only have a few and they are subject to a liberal interpretation.
For instance, “What is theirs is theirs and what is mine is theirs.” While I am allowed to keep their food and water bowls full I cannot share and it is exclusively their job to empty them. The opposite is true when it comes to their litter box. It is my job to keep it empty and it is their job to fill it. They are very good at this job.
As far as the rest of the household duties are concerned The Boys pretty much let me handle them. No one has ever accused me of being a fastidious house cleaner. As a matter of fact the descriptors, “slob” and “pig-pen” have often been applied. But I am not the only contributor to the mess.
Contrary to popular belief cats are not the neatest critters that ever grew a tail. FE and LJ have got their shedding act down pat. After two or three days I have enough cat hair to knit another cat. Dark clothes are not a fashion option around here.
Guests are always welcome. In accordance with Irish traditions everyone is offered something to drink and something to eat. In addition to that I also offer them a blindfold if I see a look of repulsion on their faces when they walk in. Fast Eddie is the official greeter while Lazy Jake lays low.
Kitchen Police is my exclusive task. (Everything a cat cooks comes out tasting like tuna.) With no modesty at all I must admit I am a pretty good spoon. Actually it comes as a defense response. My mother was a lousy cook. In two words picture, ‘boiled turkey’. However, when it comes to the preparation phase I am over enthusiastic. I can make up a batch of say, ‘Coquilles Sant Jacques’ and the kitchen looks like the fridge exploded. This is where skill with a pressure washer comes in handy.
Another great feature is Happy Hour. In the words of Jimmy Buffet, “It’s five-o’clock somewhere.” If you start your day with a hot cup of coffee try a cup of Irish coffee. Buddy, you are about to have an interesting day. (If you usually drive to work here is a word to the wise; call a cab.)
The only drawback comes at beddy-bye time. Cats make lousy bunk mates. It is definitely a territorial issue. I have couches, loveseats, chairs, cushions, etc. out the gazoo. So when the TV goes off and the lights go out it is a race to the bedroom to see who can dive on the bed first. After a bunch of twisting, turning and pillow fluffing we all settle in.
However, The Boys snore.


Written by harmonycounty

June 12, 2014 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

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