Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The hat trick

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I am throwing my hat into the Presidential Ring. Just because it is a dirty, sweaty, faded, old Auburn ball cap should not matter. It means I have determined, based upon today’s standards, I am fully qualified.
I have a pen and a phone. I have a bunch of pens. They were on sale at Wally World. I also know how to sign my name and, if necessary, my Uncle Seamus knows how to sign your name. I have a phone. However, if I do not pay my bill pretty quick it will be better used as a door stopper.
I know how to play golf. Maybe not very well, but I do have clubs, can drive a golf cart and only occasionally cheat. Admittedly, I do better at the ninetieth hole. But my math skills are lacking, however in politics that is a plus.
I really prefer fishing, it is less violent than golf, but if there happens to be any tree hugging, “Save the Carp” movements out there I certainly do not want to offend them. Nobody has ever heard of a “Save the Five-iron” movement.
I haven’t a clue as to what is going on at the national or international levels. What can you expect from someone whose main sources of news is Facebook and “Saturday Night Live?” I hate going to briefings and rarely attend unless they are serving free pizza and beer. Even then I use the time there to catch up on my sleep.
I can ignore anything or anybody. If you do not believe me just ask my ex’s lawyers. Border, what border. As far as I am concerned all 500 of the University of Veracruz Marching Caballeros Band can sneak across the border in formation, playing their fight song at full blast and I could care less. If Al-Qaeda blew the West Wing of the White House to splinters I wouldn’t even hear the “Bang”.
I am a vacation taking fool. You put a Boeing 747, Air Force One, at my disposal and buddy I am out of here. We for sure are not going to the beach. Me and two or three hundred of my best friends/ campaign donors are going to Tahiti, or the Riviera, or Aspen. The sky is the limit.
I will definitely take advantage of the situation. You put me up, rent-free in a mansion. Have world class chefs making the chow, no PBJs for this guy. A staff of people stumbling over themselves to make the bed, iron my skivvies, follow me around with a porta-bar for eight years and you are going to need the Secret Service to evict me.
I also do not care about anything but Number One. Seniors, the military, the handicapped, veterans, miners, or taxpayers in general are just a bunch of suckers and deserve no respect at all.
With those qualifications the Nobel Peace Prize is in the bag. I wonder how much I can get if I hock it?© 2014, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

September 4, 2014 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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