Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Their potatoes got mashed

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The big brouhaha over the name of the football team The Washington Redskins has spilled over to Harmony County. We too have a team here named the Redskins. However, this group of sportspersons (Notice I went PC and did not use the term jock.) are named after the spuds. But this name has offended the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Potatoes and they have turned out in force to protest the moniker.

As one could anticipate the Harmony County Council was thoroughly confused when the organization filed a formal protest. Representing the NAACP were their attorneys, ‘Chip’ O’Toole and ‘Frenchy’ LeBourne. They presented the council with a petition entitled, “An Act to Support the Universal Employment, Education and Encouragement of Spuds of Every Creed, Color, Belief but Not the Sweet Potato Because We Do Not Fool with Any LBGT Vegetables Because They Have Too Many Issues.”

Needless, the Council was taken aback. The President of the Council, Joab Trimble, so much so that he nearly spilled his drink. The best he could say to the two ambulance chasers was, “You people cannot be serious!” “You bet your bottom Ruffle we are,” replied O’Toole. LeBourne added, “Take a look out your window and you will see how serious we are.”

Trimble raised the blinds and saw a sight never before seen in Harmony County. There were nearly 2,000 protestors, all of whom were dressed as baked potatoes, French fries, home fries, a pile of mashed potatoes and every other conceivable for of ‘mickey’ known to man. The kids that with their parents were dressed as ‘Tater Tots’. There was even a guy dressed as a bowl of grits who was there to show solidarity.

Things were starting to get ugly. Even to the point where the ones dressed as raw potatoes were starting to turn brown and curl around the edges. The whole situation was deteriorating and the sheriff had to step in.

The sheriff accessed the situation he decided to call out the SWAT team. Within minutes his group of riot busters showed up, They formed a line behind their shields and did the “stockade shuffle” towards the over-baked potatoes. They looked like they were armed as usual, but close examination revealed that instead of tear gas they were carrying canisters of sour cream, and sprinklers of salt. Even the back-up firemen hoses were filled with melted butter instead of water.

The crowd was rapidly dispersed much to the amusement of the onlookers. However, it was a bit tricky for them to run away since the ground was rather slippery. Trimble was very pleased with the outcome and told the lawyers that their complaints would be taken under consideration in the near future, say in 2035.

Feeling smug, the council returned to business as normal. Then into the chambers stomped Ms. Hixsey Yenney, the local ACLU representative. She had clenched in her hand a lawsuit from the “Sweets” claiming prejudicial actions by the council.

That was when the chives hit the fan. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 2, 2014 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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