Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The ‘Help Wanted’ sign is out

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The Harmony County Attorney General, Edgar Grasper, has unexpectedly resigned his position. This came as a surprise to the locals since there appeared to be something left in the treasury and had not managed to alienate every group in the county most notably the Girl Scouts and the International Gun Runners Local # 14. As one might expect, in Harmony County these two groups are related in that the Girl Scouts sell ammo instead of cookies during their annual fundraiser. (You have to try the mint flavored .45s.)
Grasper’s sudden departure brought disappointment to more than a few people. The Harmony County Security Agency was forced into a huge layoff of personnel. During his tenure this agency boasted that they had listened into more than 3,000,000,000 phone conversations on a Tuesday alone. Unfortunately, they were rather benign. But they did learn that the most popular pizza was the extra-large, double cheese, and pepperoni, and that the fire department was well practiced in getting cats out of trees and that my Uncle Seamus was doing a lively business booking bets, but everyone knows that.
The Harmony County Revenue Service was rather relieved by Grasper’s sudden exit. They had been instructed by the former AG to conduct investigations of some of the more conservative organizations in the county. On the top of the list Bubba Welborn’s Flippin’ Dippin’ and Sippin’ Redneck Saloon. When they entered the establishment and announced themselves you could hear a pin drop. Then you could hear plate glass shattering, sudden thuds and finally some muffled groans.
However, their findings were lost. Not because some emails mysteriously disappeared as was the case in some federal agencies, but because their offices were burnt to the ground by a group of irate Harmony Countdiots. It seems that the fire department was busy dragging Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher’s cat Fluffy out of a tree when the blaze started.
As mentioned above the only groups that were sad to see Grasper go were the Gun Runners and their business partners the Sprouts. While Grasper was in office business was booming. Since selling firearms to the peace loving folks of Harmony County is like selling ice to Eskimos Local #14 had to go across the border to sell their weapons. Things were moving fast and furiously but the word got out and they were shut down.
Needless this called for an investigation. Grasper was called before the Harmony County Council and was told to provide all the documents regarding the weapon sales and to answer questions under oath. Grasper flat refused to supply the documentation, but he did use an oath. But since this is a family paper I cannot repeat that oath.
Grasper was immediately charged with contempt of council. This is rather ironic since it would be hard to find any group more contemptible than the Harmony County Council. Charges were made back and forth much to the amusement of the citizenry.
This was the point when Grasper decided to cut and run. CYA Eddie. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 9, 2014 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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