Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus VI

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Well I am sure that you will be pleased to know that our sagacious Uncle Seamus has gotten time off for good behavior. Consequently, he has agreed to provide us with his wise advice.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have been reading in the papers and watching the news on TV about Ebola fever. What measures can I take to prevent catching it? Thanks, Scared To Death.
Dear STD; There are two things that you can do to avoid Ebola fever. The first is to live in one of those huge plastic bubbles like the one that John Travolta did in the movie, “The Boy In the Plastic Bubble” and you might want to cancel any plans to travel to West Africa. You should also avoid licking anyone that has the disease.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have a very difficult time falling to sleep at night. I have tried pills, counting sheep, listening to the sounds of the sea (Not really the sea, I live too far inland. I just let the toilet run.) But, no luck. Do you have any advice? Thanks, Sleepless in Harmony County.
Dear SIHC; I too occasionally have that problem. Sometimes I just ply myself an excessive amount of personality altering adult beverages. Failing that resort to a less expensive remedy and just pound my head against the wall. The drawback is that you can wake up in some of the most unexpected places. Here is a radical idea. Get your lazy butt off the couch and go for a walk. If you live in a bad neighborhood then you will be going for a run.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am concerned about the issues surrounding gay marriage. I worry that if I get invited to a same sex marriage I’ll not know what to buy the couple. Any suggestions? Gay Gift Giver.
Dear g3; You are treading on some pretty shaky politically correct ground. The traditional gifts e.g. pop-up toaster, blender, wine cork remover, etc. all carry some stereotypical connotations. I would stick with a gift card or you can invite the newlyweds over for dinner. Plus, you might get some interior decorating tips as a bonus.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am appalled at what is going on and not going on in politics these days. The whole country seems to be going down the tube at an ever increasing rate. Is there anything we citizens can do to improve our situation? Appalled Senior Citizen.
Dear ASC; Really! How could you say such things? Everyone knows that our elected officials work tirelessly for our good. Just because they occasionally need some financial support from mega corporations, get most of their information from lobbyists, go on all expense paid three-month vacations to exotic locations and have yet to pick up a check in any restaurant does not mean they are not looking out for us. The above message was paid for by The Committee to Re-elect Everybody. So shut up and vote like you are told.© 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 16, 2014 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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