Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Work by the yard

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I have a neat little cottage I share with the Kilkenny Brothers here in Harmony County. I try to keep it reasonably tidy and grudgingly do the housework as it becomes necessary. The boys do not help and look upon their primary function is shedding which they do with remarkable skill. That takes care of the inside. My biggest challenge is the outside.
As most folks know plants grow. If they are left to their own devices they grow at an alarming rate. This puts a lie to the folks who appear in the media who insist that anything that grows must be tended to like they were helpless infants. I found that they do just fine without anyone’s interference. Therein lies my problem.
My cottage is surrounded by green things most of which I could not identify if my life depended upon it. This is kind of embarrassing since I went to Auburn whose charter makes it an agricultural college, among other things. I can identify the lawn. It is made up of weeds, dandelions and an odd blade or two of grass. This portion is managed by my grandson who, with the use of bribes and cajoling on my part, does the occasional mow job. The remaining 95% is trees and bushes, really big bushes. If you stand in certain places you would not know there is a house on the property.
Well there comes a point when even I realized that some yard work needed to be done. I reached this conclusion with the assistance of my irate neighbors and some unveiled threats by the Harmony County Department Public Works. They used the ‘F’ word, ‘Fines’.
With such encouragement I finally got up off my tidy indoor butt, dusted the cat hairs off and went outside and did an inspection. Yikes! I can up with a list of 12 must do things to get the great outdoors under control. A few things became apparent.
There was no way my measly collection or rarely used and rusted gardening tools were sufficient to get the job done. Since the use of C4 or other high explosives is seriously frowned upon by County Officials it was clear I was going to need such items as chainsaws, stump grinders and back hoes. It was clearly time to call in the “pros from Dover”. So to insure that all things were equal I printed up a ‘to do’ list for each of them.
The first guy came by and we did a walk around. The most I got out of him was a series of grunts and a vague promise to, “Get back to you.” The next fellow took one look at the list and laughed. The last weed eater seemed more interested in the job and sent me a bid.
I was the one in the pix on the front page of the “Weekly Blister” who had fainted on his front porch grasping a sheet of paper.
Plan B calls for many large herbivores. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 23, 2014 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor

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