Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Guests and fish

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Do you remember the old saw, “House guest and fish begin to smell after three days”? Well, once again that message was driven home. This time the guest came in on all fours. No, not my Uncle Seamus out on a spree. But ‘Sam’ my grandson’s adopted puppy who has recently joined the family.
Sam is a mutt. His owner and family went on a weekend vacation to the beach and I was asked to puppy-sit while they were gone. Being a natural born sucker I agreed without thinking. What I failed to think about was the Kilkenny Brothers who, in reality, are the house owners and I am their guest.
Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake are typical kitty cats. They like things one certain way and abhor change of any kind. Move their food bowl six inches to the left or right and they are going to need months of therapy and cases of Pussy Cat Prozac.
So last Friday in charges the pooch. Since he is a pup he can only do two things well. He can act goofy and slobber. He has both of these skills down pat. The instant he burst through the door the combined feline blood pressure went through the roof. Their fur stood on edge, their backs arched, they went up on their tippy toes, and hissed like a barrel full of snakes. It was in that position the backed up into the bedroom and took up permanent refuge under the bed. They then set up a concert of moans and growls that lasted for the rest of the day.
Sam lives in a household filled with cats. He gets along with most of them and by and large they ignore him. So when he was confronted with hostility of the cats he stopped dead in his tracks. The best he could do was a half-hearted “woof”. When the boys disappeared under the bed he comforted himself by running into the kitchen and gobbling up all of their food.
Since share and share alike was not going to work I was doomed to enforce some cat upsetting changes. I moved their food and water into the hallway, no biggie. But I had to move the litter box into the bathroom. Note to self: There is no such thing as putting too much baking soda in the litter box and air spray is cheaper when you buy it in bulk.
Sam is used to sleeping in my grandson’s bed. So when he decided it was nappy poo time he hoped up on my bed. This started the growls and moans and hearing this he stuck his nose under the bed. Not to worry, the scratches should heal quickly. He backed off and he started growling and barking and this was how I spent the weekend trying to sleep.
The night-long conversation was; The Kilkenny Brothers, “Grooooowl”, Sam, “Woof, woof, woof!” me, “Everybody shut the @%&* up!”
The only other house guest who maneuvers on four limbs allowed in is going to be Uncle Seamus. The boys like him and he brings them beer. ©2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

November 13, 2014 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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