Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The machines hate me

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As I was saying the other day, “I install an age when king devised a nine a computer and and it cannot speak southern however if I speak naturally a counselor and she and the way I spoke to them and now Japan are all good friends to come to the aid and there are a army and use the regime is where his gun and day and an.”
“Drunk again”, you think. But no, not this time. This is me repeating the old typing drill, “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party,” plus a few phrases not used in polite company into the Microsoft Word speech recognition application. Being my normal lazy self I thought I might have gotten away without doing that exhausting work of typing.
Now to some of you that opening paragraph sounds like my normal style, but it is an example of my luck or skill with electronic devices. It turns out that I am the ape behind the apps. If it is driven by electricity it is going to crater on me.
I tried to put a weather app on my cell phone. Even when I enter my zip code this thing insists on giving me the complete weather breakdown on Boise, Idaho. I can say with great authority that Idaho is not a Sun Belt place. If you plan a trip do it in the summer.
I also tried the GPS app. I used it on the long cross-country trip from my place in Camden to a spot in Columbia a distance of about 33 miles, most of it on the Interstate. If I would have followed the constant yammering the app was making, I and the Kimchi Cruiser would have gone for a swim in the Wateree River. I did not know that it was possible to anger an electronic device. But when I failed to follow the directions did I ever get a dressing down.
Following the lazy theme I tried to pay my recurring bills through electronic banking. After the first month I made a bunch of new, special friends with most of the collection agencies on the East coast. I have never had a spectacular credit rating. After this episode it was a consensus of opinion that I should not do any financial transactions with anything more complicated than a piggy bank.
My DVR has a mind of its own. There are certain shows I enjoy, mostly mysteries and some movies, regretfully there are no cowboy shows on, they have been replaced by those wretched zombie and vampire shows. Whenever I program the DVR to record a show the machine makes the final decision. It is worse than parental control. If there is anyone out there that wants a complete collection of “The Brady Bunch” give me a call. However you are going to have to come over here to download it.
Perhaps in a past life I managed to tick off Thomas Edison. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

November 27, 2014 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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