Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus VII

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am the world’s biggest Auburn fan. I was crushed as a result of this year’s Iron Bowl where the evil forces of Bama won. (I think it is because they have better steroids then we do.) At the end of the game I needed CPR. What can I do? – Crushed Auburn Fan.
Dear CAF; So here’s the deal. You should cut a slot in your front door big enough to slide a pizza box through. Then nail all the doors and windows closed and paint the windows black. I’ll see you next November, 2015.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I have two black eyes, a broken nose, am missing three teeth and an ear swollen up like a cauliflower. I am also speaking in a tone three octaves higher than normal. What have I done wrong? – Beaten To a Pulp.
Dear BTaP; Black Friday is not meant for those who cannot handle themselves. A person should never get between discounted items and serious bargain hunter. (You never see Navy Seals in Wally World on this day.) I suggest you stick to Cyber Monday for your shopping needs. The only things that will end up hurting will be your fingers and your credit cards.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am very concerned that I may have contracted periodic Ebola fever. It seems that the symptoms only occur on Saturday morning when I have a splitting headache, dry mouth, I cannot keep anything down and I am wearing somebody else’s clothes. What can I do? – Sick in Camden.
Dear Sic; I would not be too concerned about having Ebola fever. What you describe is a classic case of Irish Flu. The cause of this infliction is hitting yourself over the head with a booze bottle the night before. The only two known cures for this disease are time or sudden death. So either knock off the drunken brawls or let me know where you hang out on Friday nights because I have to see you in action.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I get my medical care from the Veterans Administration. However, these folks are pill happy. I got pills for blood pressure, pills for cholesterol, pills for leg cramps, pills for social situations (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and a bunch of others. How can I cut down on the meds? – Pill Popping Papa
Dear PPP; Your problem is in your illness selection. Instead of these problems that are popular with you old f$%ts. You should do some research. What you have to do is find a condition that requires a medication whose label reads, “Take daily with a six-pack of beer and a pack of cigarettes.” If you do please let me know. I have not been feeling too well lately.
Dear Uncle Seamus; Back in the day there were only four post seasons bowls. Now there are 39, I counted. What’s up with that? – Bowled Over.
Dear BO; Follow the money. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 4, 2014 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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