Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“We value your opinion”

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Yeah right. In the past month or so the folks of Harmony County have been inundated with people wanting to know their positions on everything under the sun. You have to remember that this group is not the most intellectually involved folks around.
If you ask them something as complicated as, “Which do you prefer, boxers or tighty whities?” guys or gals, chances are at the best you are going to get is a puzzled look while they take a hasty peek in their pants to find out. Customarily, gotchies and seasonal changes occur with the same frequency around here.
(I have to tell you a war story. I swear it is true. Every October 31 the Platoon Sergeant would come into the bay and announce, “By order of the First Sergeant when you fall out in formation tomorrow you will be wearing your long johns. You will wear them every day until April 15th.” We were spot checked throughout the period to insure the order was being followed. Got to keep those GI butts warm. My hand to God.)
But there seems to be a marked increase in the numbers of these opinion polls. They are coming in by snail mail, email, folks knocking on doors, not a smart thing for strangers to do in Harmony County, and as we used to say in the newspaper biz, “Through the transom.”
Here are a two examples. The Nielsen Survey yo-hos are intensely curious about what I watch on TV. However, first I have to spill my guts about gender, age, income, occupation, political preference, educational level, what I read, how many folks live in the household, their gender, age , income, etc. Finally we get to the point about our TV watching habits. When we arrive at this juncture I am usually ticked off and bored.
This is where I start lying, it comes naturally for a journalist. With so many questions to answer when the TV questions appear the shows I do watch have been cancelled. This is where the Kilkenny Brothers, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake take over. It seems they are big fans of cooking shows, Oprah, soap operas and quiz shows. None of these I have ever watched.
Insurance companies are also a bunch of persistent pains. Not in the neck, but a bit lower. Somehow or the other they have gotten a hold of my phone number and street address. I pretty much got the phone calls under control. I have taken the advice from Facebook and every time I get a call from a blocked number I hoarsely whisper, “It is done, but there is blood all over the place.” Then I hang up.
There is not much one can do when a salesman come pounding on the door. The best I got is to throw the door open and scream, “Have you found salvation!?” This usually works except when the Jehovah Witnesses show up and scream back, “Yes!”
Things get profoundly interesting then. © 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 11, 2014 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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