Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“Bah, humbug”

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I am not a big fan of Christmas. I have never roasted a chestnut on an open fire and do not know anyone who ever has and boiling peanuts just is not the same. However, I take a self-inflicted guilt trip every year and unenthusiastically go through the motions.
First is the Christmas card drill. Buy the cards, buy the stamps, address the envelopes, and come up with a one size fits all message to put in the card that is not the same as last years. Then I mail them off to people I have not spoken to in years. In my clan there seems to be a repeating of the same address: C/O The Sheriff, Harmony County Detention Facility.
Hall decking comes next. As a guideline if I cannot complete the task in 10 minutes or less it is not going to be displayed. This time limit is in direct response to Fast Eddie’s and Lazy Jake’s tree climbing abilities. Their first Christmas tree came down in such a manner as to make Paul Bunyan jealous. There is nothing quite like having a full sized tree come crashing down at 3:15 a.m., being startled out of a long winter’s nap, and rushing out bare footed only to step on broken ornaments. The ensuing remarks cannot be found in any Christmas carol and got me to the top of Santa’s Naughty List.
I am a big TV fan. However, during the season to be jolly, the stuff that is on is enough to induce a full on diabetic attack. My favorite type of shows are mysteries and adventures. But a show like “NCIS – Los Angeles” cannot be Christmased up. Shooting bad guys and the holiday season do not mix. Even if they are mowing them down at the North Pole.
Please do not get me started on movies. I do not care when they were made. They all have the same syrupy ending. I do not care if a bell rings or a reindeer breaks wind. The only wings I concern myself with are those that are attached to birds or airplanes. As far as I am concerned Jimmy Stewart should have jumped off the bridge.
The season is an opportunity to wear out credit cards and spend yourself into the poor house. My shopping list has 16 names on it. So I start my shopping spree by sticking up a few liquor stores. Then I call Toys R Us and they send a limo. Having nine grandkids gets me special treatment. I thought it might be cost effective if I made everyone a gift. But the only creative skill I have deals with high explosives made with common household products so I let that one pass.
On the receiving side all the muskrats like to draw me pictures to put on the fridge. This includes the ones who are in their late teens. I haven’t seen my fridge door in years. All of you, get a job!
But there is always eggnog, lots of eggnog.© 2014, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 18, 2014 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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