Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 1-15

with one comment

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am thoroughly confused with the flap about the Patriots deflating their balls. What is the big deal? Could it have been that the temperature was low and that they just shriveled up or that the balls were just getting old? Signed, Does Size Matter?
Dear DSM; The alleged shrinkage would have a definite effect on the performance. A ball with less air is easier to grip which is a benefit for the offensive ball handlers and for those players who kick balls. However, this type performance enhancing action is only good in football since if you did the same thing to a basketball it would just lay there and there is very little air in baseballs.

Dear Uncle Seamus; There seems to be a dramatic increase in protest marches and sit-ins being held throughout the country for various reasons and causes. What I find alarming is the way that some of the local law enforcement are responding. Are our First Amendment rights to freedom of speech in jeopardy? Signed, I have a strong gag reflex.
Dear IHASGR; I have to admit that the responses by the bulls is dependent upon various factors. These factors include; availability and strength of the pepper spray, effective range of their Tasers, durability of shields and helmets, length and weight of billy clubs and if the news cameras are rolling. I, personally am not all that familiar with the First Amendment. However, if you have questions about the Fifth Amendment and self-incrimination I am your boy.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Recent events in Washington D.C, have taken an interesting turn. Specifically after nearly 60 years were seem to be getting all kissy kissy with Cuba. Do you have any idea why this new policy has come into play? Signed, Muy Confundido.
Mi estimado Muy Confundido; The answer is simple; cigars, rum and votes. There are some definite ups now we will not have to go up to Canada, buy cigars and stuff them in our skivvies trying to smuggle them back in. With that mode of concealment the stogies loose something, anyway. As for the booze I can assure you that all the rum distillers that blew town when Fidel checked in have kept their leases back in the old country. And you can bet your bottom peso that there will be a voter registration booth every 100 yards along the Gulf of Mexico.

Dear Uncle Seamus; With the Super Bowl just a week away I am thinking about throwing a party. However, I have never done so before. Do you have any tips? Signed, Sister Mary Elephant
Dear Sister; Welcome to my world. The classic Super Bowl party has certain requirements. They are chips and dips, chains and whips, booze on the right drugs on the left. You should hide all portable valuables and double check your homeowners insurance. Just to be sure you should invite the top dogs from the local law enforcement agencies. They would be coming in any event. © 2015, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

January 29, 2015 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

One Response

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  1. Rumor had it the pilot experienced problems landing the Patriots plane safely in Arizona due to under inflated tire pressure. That’s one for the Ole’ Gipper’. Found out it was over loaded to booth, excess of Rosary beads smuggled on board.

    Eldon Kilberger

    January 29, 2015 at 4:42 p01

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