Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It beats walking, kinda

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After overdosing on my stupid pills, last week I did an exploratory visit to some auto dealers. I’m thinking about replacing the Kimchi Kruiser. She is purring right along, but I have had her for over ten years and I feel it is time for a change. (Which is exactly the message that my ex’s gave me.)
As you can imagine this is not my first excursion into the wild and wacky world of car buying. To be perfectly honest some of my earlier means of transportation were fueled by oats and hay. As they say, “It was not my first rodeo.”
I tried to follow the rule of thumb about not making yourself visible when walking through the car lots. I parked in the area where the car repair folks park and walked toward the sales lot trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. This includes sneaking and peaking around cars and low crawling under some of them. Sort of an adult version of hide and seek, but for much higher stakes.
Well I must have set off the ‘potential customer/sucker’ alarm despite my scuffing up the knees of my trousers because the sales weenie came running out with all the subtlety of a middle linebacker going after the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. I told the guy exactly what I was looking for, price range, and color. I was completely ignored. I might just as well told him I was looking for a ‘Firefly’ class spaceship. He drug me over to the new car area and showed me everything he wanted me to buy.
So after looking at every car on the lot and hearing high praise for each vehicle I was drug into the showroom kicking and screaming, slammed into a chair next to his desk and told stay put. I had a flashback to 3rd Grade when Sister Mary Elephant had enough of smart mouth, little ‘micks’ running wild when she left the classroom. The sales puke went into the sales manager’s office and I can see through the office picture window they were having an animated discussion about yours truly.
Then he and the sales manager comes out and they double-team me. Do you know in the crime shows on TV where the detectives drag some poor sucker in to the interrogation room and give him the third degree? Well, that is what happened to me only not as polite. They made it very clear that I would be a complete idiot if I did not sign on the dotted line.
For the love of Henry Ford, I’ve been buying automobiles longer then these guys have been on the planet. Do they think that the high pressure techniques works on people whose IQ is higher than their shoe size? Dun away they did till I told them I had to use the head. They unlocked the handcuffs and when I got up I bolted for the front door.
So the Kruiser is looking better, maybe a paint job is in order.© 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 5, 2015 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor

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