Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Pants on fire

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“Make sure you get your facts straight, then go ahead and lie.” – Mark Twain. These are words that most journalists live by. Those that do not usually do not bother to ‘get their facts straight’, they go straight to the lying part.
I have been hacking around for longer then I like to admit. Here is a clue, Martha Washington was no one to fool with and Lincoln looked better without the beard. In some offices there is a ‘swear jar’ where every time you use a dirty word you have to put a dollar in the jar. If there was such a thing in the Harmony County Weekly Blister newsroom, but for lying, you would need a 55-gallon barrel.
The newest member to our fraternity is Brian Williams of NBC-TV. His latest bit of ‘misremembering’ concerns him being a non-electric pop-up target while on a helicopter ride in Iraq. It seems he was bragging about drawing fire and getting hit. So he starts out with, “There I was, up to my knees in grenade pins” line and things go downhill from there. The story reminds us of the fish story that Hillary told about drawing sniper fire on a visit to  the Sudan.
There is an old adage among the crusty GI set. It goes, “What is the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? A fairy tale begins with ‘Once upon a time’ while a war story begins with, ‘This is no s**t, but…’” Brian and Hilly were telling war stories.
The surprising thing was the rest of the media turned on him like a rabid group of hyenas turning on a wounded pack member. The ‘Holier than thou’ attitude was positively laughable. Talk about ‘the pot calling the kettle black’ this episode beats all.
We all make mistakes. Once I misquoted a candidate during a political campaign. What I attributed to him was, “I will crush his godless soul under my shoes and grind him into the mud.” What he actually said was, “I look forward to our upcoming debate.” See, a simple mistake that anyone can make.
‘LWOP’ is an Army term for Leave With Out Pay. So according to Facebook and the entire Internet, our boy Brian got six months LWOP. Somehow I do not think that this is going to hurt his multi-millionaire status. Well, it looks like Brian is going to spend some time on the golf course. That is where the real lying takes place.
I am sure that Brian can handle the six month layoff. After all, he managed to get through a two year stint in a Viet Cong POW compound. However, I am sure he will be back, perhaps not on primetime. More likely the midnight to 6 a.m. traffic reporter on Radio Free Mongolia.
Maybe he can form a committee to determine the feasibility of him running for president. Obviously he has got the basic qualification down pat.
What do you think of a Brian and Hillary ticket?© 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 19, 2015 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Humor

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