Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Do you fit in your bikini?

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Now that a really wretched winter is over. It is time to shed the stored up the excess winter insulation, spelled: F-A-T, and get in bikini shape. Well, you guys can get in bikini shape, I really do not look good in a bikini no matter what kind of shape I am in. (The Kilkenny Brothers don’t do the shape thing. They just shed their winter coats which is enough hair to stuff a king sized mattress.)

I have to admit that the only time I was really in shape was back in the Army days when you had to run everywhere and if for some strange reason you were in the same spot for more than thirty seconds you would do pushups. We managed to lower the height above sea level a fair amount by pushing away Fort Bragg.

Nowadays there seems to be a gazillion different schemes and products out there that are supposed to get the weight right off. Some of the claims are ridiculous. I mean nothing short of sawing off a limb is going to take the lard off that quick.

I remember when the first diet drinks, no not booze, came out. The manufacturers promised that the pounds would just melt away. At that time I have to admit I was a blubber-butt and wanted to shed some of the tonnage. So I went out and bought some of these magic drinks. Well, the light and the heavy of it was I put on more weight despite drinking one with every meal, go figure.

Besides the drinks there are a plethora of pills that are out there. Personally I am not a big fan of any pill more complicate then an aspirin. This is in contradiction to the current popular belief that health can be found in a small, yet expensive, bottle. It seems that you could crawl into the Emergency Room with a broken leg, three gunshot wounds and a wolverine clamped down on your throat and all you will get is a pill and a bill roughly equivalent to the GNP of Costa Rica.

Then there are those companies that supply ready to eat diet meals shipped to your door. All you have to do is toss them in the nuke and chow down. I have tasted some of these delights. They make me homesick. They remind me of the Irish chow I grew up on. Have you ever had Irish cooking? No. Have you ever seen a fat Irishman? Trust me, it is impossible to get fat on the downhome Irish cooking. We Harps are good at writing, fighting, singing and rugby, but you will never see an Irish recipe in “Bon Appetite”.

So if you are in the ‘back to bikini’ mode I suggest you do what my MDs tell me. “Don’t do push-ups, do push-aways. Push away the dinner table. And when you get finished doing that, get off your fat *** and move.” Some medics come right to the point. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

March 19, 2015 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Humor

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