Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 2-15

with 2 comments

Dear Uncle Seamus; We have an annual event around here called The Carolina Cup. I thought it was some kind of horse race, but I did not see any of the big, brown things. Why was that? Signed, Hungover in Camden.

Dear Hungover; The title is a ruse. It is just an excuse for the Camdiots to dress up in loud, colorful costumes and wear big floral hats. Sometimes the ladies do the same. The only Cups you will find are the red plastic ones filled with cheap booze, but it looks like you found that out.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Some friends of mine have an awful habit of ‘name dropping’. They are constantly making references to the ostensive big shots here in town. What should I do to get them to stop? Thanks, A Nobody in Camden.

Dear Nobody; I was discussing the same problem the other night in Spagos with Oprah, Brad and Angelina and some black guy who was surrounded by Secret Service agents. The consensus was to just to ignore them. The black guy didn’t add too much since he was constantly jumping off his bar stool and pounding his forehead on the floor.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Lately I have put on a few extra pounds. OK I make the floor creak when I walk across it and I live in a slab built house. My friends suggested a Vegan diet. What do you think? Signed, Blubber-Butt.

Dear BB; I am assuming that you are a human or at least bi-pedal. As such you have eyes in the front of your head. That makes you an omnivore, i.e. will eat anything. So, I am a bit leery of an all veggie diet. Let me suggest a semi-vegan diet where you only eat things that eat vegetables.

Dear Uncle Seamus; It appears that every day is some kind of day. I find this very confusing. Come on, “National Cup Cake Day”? Just who designates these days? Signed, Confused Calendar.

Dear CC; The people who have an axe to grind are the ones that come up with these designations, e.g. ‘National Wood Chopper’s Day”, August 12th. I only pay attention to those days that affect me. They are; ‘National Whisky Day’ March 17th, ‘National Hangover Day’ March 18th, ‘Honor Your Local Bail Bondsman Day’ March 19th, etc.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Nowadays I see hundreds of these new ‘designer beers’ on the shelves. It is all very confusing. Just which one is the best? Signed, Baffled By Beer.

Dear BȜ; Trust me. There is no difference in any of them. They are made by some guy in a garage in Newark, NJ. The people that are making the bucks are the folks that print the labels. Buy Cheap.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Our State representatives are having a major flap over ethics. Just what are political ethics anyway? Signed, Earnestly Ethical.

Dear EE; Political ethics are in the same class as; unicorns, mermaids and extra-terrestrials. They to do not exist. © 2015, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

April 2, 2015 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Ah’, Spring has sprung in the Carolina’s ! Exhibit A, dusty empty beer cans in ditches,.. Exhibit B, still quarter filled plastic bags containing marijuana from cars while escaping Grannie Luster’s holiday incest extravganza drug bust.

    Eldon Kilberger

    April 2, 2015 at 4:42 p04

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