Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Kilkenny Column

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Our human took off and let us holding the column bag this week. So I, Fast Eddie Kilkenny, and my brother, Lazy Jake Kilkenny, “Yo dude, ‘sup?” will do the honors.

We have to admit that we got pretty lucky by adopting Jim. He keeps our water and food bowls filled and our litter box empty, mostly. We live in a tidy little cottage that he keeps warm in the winter and cool in the summer. But that is not to say that he does not have faults.

For one thing he really smells bad. I mean he is a real stinker. Sometimes he leaves the house and comes back all sweaty and out of breath. Evidently he goes out running. Why he does this we cannot figure out since he does not seem to be chasing anything and nothing seems to be chasing him. Maybe he is after the squirrels.

So once he comes in and sits there huffing and puffing you will not believe what he does next. Instead of licking himself clean he goes into the little room where he keeps his litter box, we are not going to discuss that, and turns these knob things on the wall and water comes out of the ceiling. Then he stands underneath the water, rubs himself all over, and makes loud, moaning human noises. When he gets out he is thoroughly pleased with himself even though he is soaking wet. Yuck!

Then he has some very strange eating habits. I mean that this guy is a two-legged garbage can. He keeps his food in a big white box in the cooking room. You will not believe what he keeps in there. Everything is dead! Most of the stuff I would not feed to a dog. There is not a fish in sight. One time Lazy Jake tried to help him out and brought him a mouse. Nothing doing. He scooped the mouse up and set it free outside. This after all of LJ’s efforts.

He also keeps very odd hours. Every morning at the same time the little box with the lights on it makes this awful noise. He makes some low growling sounds that I suspect are not very polite, hits the box with one of his paws, gets out of the bed and stumbles into the litter box room with us bringing up the rear. He then goes through the running/soaking routine.

Then he goes into another room and stares into the screen on this little black box. He occasionally taps on the board in front of the screen. He makes those low growling noises and scratches a lot. He does this all day long without stop. You think that he would follow our lead and take a nap. But no, all day, every day it is the same; stare, tap, growl, scratch.

Well, for all his faults he does treat us well, so I guess we’re going to keep him. Right Jake? “Yeah, Bro. He’s a keeper.”© 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 9, 2015 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

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