Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Nastygram to the SC Weather Department

with 2 comments

To: The Director of the South Carolina Department of Weather Department, Post Office Box 12 Below, Someplace Obviously Not in South Carolina, Planet Cede Alpha Six.

Dear Totally Unconcerned Sir, Madam, or LGBT Person; It has come to my attention and to the attention of everything that breathes in The Palmetto State that you and organization are unfamiliar with a common object we call a ‘calendar’.

We here in South Carolina divide our year into periods called ‘seasons’. They are: summer, hot and muggy, we love it; fall, cooling down, nice to look at; winter, cold and dark, boo; and spring, warming with flowers blooming, yippee. Each of these season are about three months long and the transitions are gradual. Over the past 80,000 years or so we have gotten used to things working that way.

However, this year it seems that the orderly seasonal progression has gotten way out of whack. Instead of a steady march, it more resembles an out of control Chinese fire drill. This leads me to ask the musical question, “Just what the #@^& are you people doing?!”

You can see these effects with a walk through your local Wally World. Admittedly, the clientele are not known for their haute couture. But when you see folks bundled up complete with wool caps and mittens and then the next aisle over guys in flip-flops and cut-offs you know something is climatically wrong.

They are not the only ones sharing this confusion. One day my peach tree is blooming away. The next all of the blossoms have fallen to the ground. The third day it is starting to bud again. That has got to be one puzzled Prunus persica. If that is not bad enough. The squirrels that live in it are going to need therapy and the mocking birds are looking to move to a Xanax™ tree.

The lawn changes colors with the frequency of a traffic light and pretty much the same colors. That is when it is dry. The rain we have been getting turns it into a rice paddy. It is very distracting to see a bunch of guys in black pajamas and straw cone hats, bent over in your front lawn. And just where did they get a water buffalo?

The Kilkenny Brothers have one of those flap doors leading outside. You know in those police shows where the detectives cautiously peer around a corner before they go into a room? That is what these two do. I swear you can see them giving one another glances that say, “You go first.” “No, you go first.”

Even Jethro our semi-tamed possum comes in at night to eat the cat’s food and get out of the weather. Getting a glass of water at 3 a.m. puts him in a true hissy fit.

So Director you will find enclosed one of these calendars I previously mentioned. The ends and beginnings of the seasons are clearly marked. Try to keep up. Sincerely, Jim Mixed-Up McGowan and His Muddled Friends.© 2015, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

April 25, 2015 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Excellent colum Jim ! ,…have a great year !!!!

    Eldon Kilberger

    April 25, 2015 at 4:42 p04

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