Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Kids these days

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Where did I go wrong? Parenting is so difficult these days. Try as I might to guide the Kilkenny Brothers down the straight and narrow it just is not working. I supposed I could blame the internet, or the pounds of electronic devices they constantly bury their whiskers in, or maybe MSNBC, but try as I might, I have to admit that they have taken a sharp turn to the left.

I should have been tipped off a while ago. I have been feeding them the same kibbles since they came here. They always seemed to enjoy them as witnessed by their less than svelte figures. Now they refuse to eat and have gone on a hunger strike insisting on vegan fare with a side of organic kale chips. To make it complicated and expensive they will only allow Perrier in their water bowl.

The worst part is the triple expresso, mocha latte that they lap up. Have you ever seen a pair of cats on a severe caffeine high at three a.m.? It isn’t pretty. If they are not racing around the house at full speed howling at the top of their lungs, they are listening to Barbra Streisand cd’s or watching Michael Moore movies.

When the caffeine finally wears off it is nap time. Nothing remarkable there, but they are insisting on me paying them $15 an hour for them to do so. It is the reverse of the old saw. “If they snooze, I lose.” I am going to have to get a job in Mickey D’s flipping burgers just to pay them off.

Bless me and save me when it comes to watching TV. Where they used to hog the remote and watch the Animal Planet now it is nothing but MSNBC and their favorite Chris Mathews who they worship. God forbid I put on the Fox Network. To them Rush Limbaugh is a four-letter-word.

This TV thing is making me a bit crazy. Perhaps it is me, but I could care less which side of the street Bruce Jenner is on. I could only hope that there is something more newsworthy. However, with all the ink, TV and internet coverage the lads are giving some suspicious glances to one another.

They also have a weird take on ‘global warming’. Since they come equipped with thick ginger coats they can handle the cold. So going green means turning the heat down in the winter and running the A/C in the summer to the point where you could hang meat in the living room.

Despite our differences of political leaning we still manage to get along. I guess the free food has a lot to do with it. However, my furry Art history majors went too far. I was going out to run some errands and discovered a ‘Hillary’ bumper sticker on my car. It is time for a good spanking with a rolled-up newspaper.

I am going to use “The Christian Science Monitor” to do that job © 2015, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

April 30, 2015 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

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