Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Harmony County hog heaven

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Sometimes you just cannot win for loosing. This weekend the powers that be at the Harmony County Arts Commission and High Colonic Studio (Walk in, Waddle out.) tried to reach out and touch their new bestie friends forever in the Muslim community.

Taking their cue from our friends in Texas, and with the aid of Pamela Geller, the HCACHCS (pronounced Hiccups) decided to have an art competition depicting Mohammed, camels, sheep, goats or any combination thereof. Don’t go there.

This contest was quite a reach since high art in Harmony County usually has something to do with cans of spray paint and blank walls. To be honest, a strategically placed, multi-color tattoo is as good as it gets.

The Hiccups had a rather long and virulent discussions as to where the event was to be held. One faction was for an outdoor venue. The only open space in town was a large lot between Saint Bingo’s Catholic Church and the Temple Ben Blarney Synagogue. Rabbi Moises Monaghan and Father Patrick Saperstein thought it was not a good idea. What with the price of stain glass windows being so high.

The faction of the council thought that it would be a good idea to hold the event in the local National Guard Armory. The main objection was that such a potentially violent competition should not be held in a place that stores a large number of automatic weapons. Further examination of this objection led to the conclusion that since Harmony Countydiots are better armed than the Guard it really did not matter.

As happens too often the Commission meeting turned into a Class A Donnybrook. Once again the sheriff and his deputies had to step in and restore order. After the tear gas cleared the air and a few of the Commissioners quit flopping around on the floor from the Taser blasts the meeting reconvened and a decision was reached.

It was determined that the event would take place in the County Jail parking lot with all the County EMTs in attendance. One stop shopping at its practical best. Things were going along nicely and there was a big crowd on hand. Then things took a turn for the worse.

A group from the next county over called, “Have You Hugged an ISIS Bomber Today?” showed up complete with towels for hats and banners in a language nobody understood. That was when Granny Franny Feinstermacher got fed up and set her pet hog, ‘Habib’ on the unwanted visitors.

It is amazing how fast a 500 pound boar can move when he is inspired. Flashing tusks and high pitched squeals has an amazing effect upon one’s political views. In a matter of seconds things went from blue to red and people who haven’t jogged in years were breaking Olympic records.

Calm was eventually restored and the competition’s judges were unanimous in their decision. Habib won pig-feet down. The only problem was that the EMTs were unfamiliar with treating tusks wounds. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

May 14, 2015 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

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