Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Hot enough for you?

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OK, you can call me a sissy, but I really cannot handle the current fad of putting hot sauce on everything that would even pass for food. It has gotten so bad that they are even putting the heat in whiskey. That is just plain heresy. My patron saint, Jim Beam must be spinning in his grave.

In order to maintain my reputation as an ace reporter (others might spell the ‘A’ word another way) I did extensive research. It seems some scientist, with way too much time on his hands, named Scoville, came up with a scale for measuring the burn in peppers. It starts off with 0 for bell peppers goes up to 2,500 – 8,000 for jalapeno, then on to 100,000 – 350,000 for habaneros and tops the scale at a stump burning 1,000,000 for ghost peppers. Your tax dollars at work.

Oh by the way, next time you get too frisky at some saloon and put you best move on one of the ladies. She coyly reaches into her handbag and gives you a spritz of pepper spray. You just got wacked with 5,000,000 units worth of Scoville’s finest. Not to worry, you’ll be just fine in an hour or so. Try and keep the screaming down, it annoys the other patrons.

For all of the hot sauces that are available in the US none of them can compare with the stuff available south of the border. I have had the misfortune of having a flame out on a couple of occasions. I was in Honduras helping train their soldiers. I walked into the mess hall and noticed that there was a jar of peppers in oil on the table. I tried one with some amazing results. I bet they are still telling the story about the ‘dancing gringo’ to this day.

I was down in Mexico on vacation. We were at a small beachside town south of Vera Cruz. At a restaurant on the water and following the adage, “Once burnt, twice shy” I asked the waiter if the meal I was ordering was hot. He replied, “Oh no senor, our children eat this.” Uh huh, Mexican kids must not have taste buds because one bite into the meal I was pouring liters of cold beer down my throat doing my version of the ‘Mexican Heat Dance.’

Well, somewhere along the line I failed in raising my kids. All of them like the hot stuff. Jim is addicted. To teach him a lesson I went up on “Google” and found a place that sold seeds for the ghost peppers. I got him a packet and he planted them last spring. He raised a good crop and being curious he sampled one right off the plant. It was his turn to show off his terpsichorean skills. He grabbed the hose and watered his tongue down for 15 minutes or so.

So always follow the rule of thumb for the hot stuff; ‘If the dog won’t eat it, neither should you.’ © 2015, Jim McGowan




Written by harmonycounty

May 21, 2015 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

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