Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 3-15

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am a big fan of educational TV. I like the shows that are about archeology. However, I don’t understand why the eggheads take so long in digging up stuff? I never see them using tools bigger than an artist’s paintbrush. How come? Shovel less in Sumter.

Dear SIS; The real purpose of the exercise is to make money. If these jokers had to work at real jobs and get paid for production the earth would fly. However, they get paid by grants and the longer they keep things going the longer they get paid. Kind of like politicians except the pols shovel something else.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Recently the news has been filled with stories on atheists or gay couples or legalization of marijuana or gun confiscation. Where do you stand on these issues? Concerned in Cayce.

Dear CIC; As of this day I am officially coming out for atheist, gay, married couples that protect their marijuana with guns. Having said that did I fail to offend anyone? If so, read the rest of this column, I’m sure I’ll get to you.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Last weekend was the US Army’s 240th birthday. It was also the Queen’s birthday. Who is older and where do I send the cards? Remembering In Ravenel.

Dear RIR; Hands down Queen Liz has seniority. She still runs around yelling, “Off with his head!” The cards: For the US Army it is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington D.C. with an appropriate message, in Arabic. It should include some comments about loyalty, honor, integrity, Americanism, patriotism, responsibilities of duty, defending America, etc. For HRH send it to Buck House in London, England. Do not use an Irish name on the return address as it would automatically be x-rayed, soaked, shredded, and blown in place.

Dear Uncle Seamus; What is with this weather? It is too early for 100 degree days. Is there any truth to global warming? Perspiring in Pelion.

Dear PIP; We live in the SOUTH! This time of year it gets hot around here. Yes there is such a thing as global warming. It happens every year. It is called seasons. There are hot months, cold months and months that transition into each. Are you the same whiny sissy who was complaining about the cold last January?

Dear Uncle Seamus; According to the media a white woman posed as a black woman in Seattle. She was also the head of the local chapter of the NAACP. What is up with that? Befuddled in Batesburg.

Dear BIB; To be perfectly honest I am as befuddled as you are. I mean if you are going to pose as someone of a different race or nationality the obvious choice would be to call yourself Irish. That way if someone called you stubborn, argumentative or belligerent you could honestly agree with them and not be offended. No harm, no foul. Then you could join the Ancient Order of Hibernians and march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. We have T-shirts. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

June 18, 2015 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

Tagged with ,

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