Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A shark’s tale

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We all have been reading about the sharks (the aquatic equivalent of lawyers) who have been enjoying some Southern food along the Carolina coast recently. Unfortunately those yummy snacks have been attached to bathers in relatively shallow water.

Not to be outdone we in Harmony County also have had some issues with Carcharhinus leucas. Despite the fact that Harmony County is inland there are some of these finny beasties that can swim up rivers. (For those flea-milkers that insist upon accuracy, Bull sharks have been caught up the Mississippi as far north as Saint Louis.)

Now nobody can accuse a Harmony Countydiot as being a ‘tree-hugger’. The closest anybody ever came to being one was when Uncle Seamus was out on his Harley coming home from the saloon and hit a tree head on. He went over the handlebars and gave that oak a big hug. So when some sharks showed up in the local open sewer we call the Harmony River the folks took action.

So a couple of days ago the ‘big toothies’ showed up and started to feast on the local game fish much to the chagrin of the Harmony County fisherpersons (PC). In these parts these fish are the biggest source of free protein other than the occasional hog that goes mysteriously missing from various secure pens throughout the county.

So the fisherpersons went to work to eliminate the problem. First they tried the usual methods using a rod and reel. As you might imagine a 300-lb shark can turn a large-mouth bass or catfish rig into an expensive handful of splinters, gears and busted string in micro-seconds. It is also insulting when the game leaps out of the water and spits a well chewed, $12.00 lure back at you.

Next they tried hand fishing with 600-lb test dacryon line, a chain leader with a meat hook they got from the butcher shop. Well it did not take long. However the results were the opposite of what you would expect. Instead of the sharks being caught the fishers got yanked in. While it is true that one cannot walk on water if you provide the inspiration one can run on it.

Enough was enough. It was time to break out the heavy artillery, literally. It seems that a few of the lads had some leftover TNT from a stump blasting job. Well, this method did the job, but only in a tiny local area and much to expense of every window in a mile radius. Another unwanted response was the arrival of a bunch of PETA folks who immediately set up a picket line, complete with media support. It looked like the county had some new residents.

However, the shark problem was solved by none other than Grannie Fannie Fenstermacher. This time of year Grannie Fannie likes to take a dip in the river. Being a daring senior citizen she swims in her birthday suit. The sharks approached, took one look and they were gone. Thanks to Erin Mathews who came up with the column idea. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

July 9, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

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