Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

We are offended

leave a comment »

Now that everybody is being ‘offended’ by everything, the Kilkenny Brothers have gotten into the act. Normally Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake are pretty laid-back. They spend most of the day snoozing or checking out their respective Facebook pages. They like the pix of all the cats. However, since everyone is flapping around about just about every subject they too wish to vent on what offends them.

“First and foremost are dogs. To we cats dogs smell bad, have fleas, are constantly going in and out, make terrible noises, eat the our food and always do as they are told. This last trait is what gets to us most of all. You see to us dogs are Democrats.

“Flags also tick us boys off. It does not matter what kind of flag or what it represents. It can be an American flag, a Confederate flag, a state flag, etc. The problem with flags is that they flap. So when we are napping on the window sill on a breezy day the flags are flapping like mad keeping us awake.

“Gays, straights or sex in general is also distressing. All of the vocal and very public discussions and arguments is almost impossible to comprehend. To us sexual preference is very private and nobody’s business. This may be due to us having our bags unpacked when we were kittens, so we have nothing to brag about.

“Hardcore religionists of any persuasion makes our fur rise. Everybody claims that their particular deity is the only one and they are willing to kill for it. Humans are just unaware that the Supreme Being, “Fluffy” rules over all from his golden litter box in the sky. Bow down and be humble.

“As you know we cats are very territorial. Crossing borders is a strict no-no. In the Kilkenny household there is only one human allowed and only because he keeps the food and water bowls full and the litter box clean. Anyone or anything that comes near the place is an interloper and most unwelcome. The most hated of these invaders is the ladies that come by every two weeks and turn on their ‘roaring’ machines and scare the daylights out of us. Even our human gets scared, but he just runs away. He cannot fit under the bed where we hide.

“Change is evil. There is one place and one place only where the food bowl is to be place. It is to be filled with only one kind of kibbles. The water bowl is to be three inches directly to the left and is to be filled with filtered water, not this poison that comes out of the tap. We get our treats every day at 4 p.m. exactly. Play time is between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. daily. Racing through each room is required, and is to be accompanied by the appropriate growls, mews and hisses.

“Now that you have read what we find offensive aren’t you ashamed of yourself for hurting our feelings?” © 2015, Jim McGowan

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Written by harmonycounty

July 16, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: