Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus for the fourth time

with 2 comments

Dear Uncle Seamus; My cat, Furpo McGurk, always comes into the living room and sits in the middle of the room. He has a blank look, one ear is forward and one back and stares into the distance without moving. He can sit there for hours. What is he thinking? – Confused In Cayce

Dear CIC; You are making a common mistake. In reality cats do not think because they have no brains. If you blow gently into their right ear you will hear a whistling sound coming out their left ear. Do you ever walk into a room and forget why you are there? Not to worry, this is a constant with cats.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Donald Trump has constantly been in the news these past few weeks or so. Putting politics aside, if that is possible, what is up with his hair? – Bald in Batesville

Dear Skin Head; Long ago in a land far away the Donald was a child. A loud and cranky little #@%&. His parents decided he needed a pet so they bought him a chinchilla. Mini Don loved the wee beastie and the two could never be separated. He called the hairball, Woodrow and used to carry it around on his head. One sad day poor Woody was lost in a horrible vacuuming accident by a maid who was a Democrat. To this day the Donald wears a stuffed Woodrow as a tribute to his lost pet.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Football season is nearly upon us. Every year my husband is glued to the TV. I could not get him away from it if I burned the house down. What can I do to get his attention? – Ignored In Irmo

Dear I Cubed; Traditional wisdom states that you should stand in front of the TV naked with a six-pack of his favorite beer in each hand. I doubt that this will work. With the advent of the giant TV screens you would have to weigh over 300 pounds.  So that leaves one recourse. Is your house insured for fire damage?

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am experiencing mixed emotions. My only child, Bosco, is starting school. I am proud of myself for not strangling the little monster, yet I feel bad that I am going to miss him. What should I do? Mixed In Mauldin

Dear Mim; You are experience the first stages of separation anxiety. This is not uncommon with mothers and their first child. I suggest you walk him to the bus, help him on, wave good-bye and shed a quiet tear. He will be back soon. This condition does not last long. After a few years you may feel like throwing him under the bus. Experience parents have formed a support group. It meets on the first day of school at Bubba’s Redneck Saloon. It is one crazy group that knows how to party. Bubba runs them out around 2:30 in order to make room for the teachers who are a very sullen group of heavy drinkers. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 20, 2015 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Jim, again Excellent !

    Eldon Kilberger

    August 20, 2015 at 4:42 p08

  2. Thanks, Eldon

    harmonycounty

    August 20, 2015 at 4:42 p08


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